Barack Obama is officially our soon-to-be head of state. To some, their vote came down to a simple “heads or tails.” Northwestern’s head start in football fell flat as the season progressed, and the economics homework I should be doing right now is giving me an enormous post-midterms headache. Looks like our most essential appendage has been making important headlines lately. But what about the more impractical uses of our skulls? When they’re not stressing over midterms or narrowly avoiding getting run over by a cyclist on Sheridan, there are so many good uses for your noggin that have nothing to do with how much Russian Lit you can cram inside them.
Keep it clean
Nasal Aspirator and Earwax scope camera
Your head can sweat, sneeze, cough, cry and produce all sorts of bodily unpleasantries. Luckily you can keep everything under control with the right invasive tools. Tired of runny noses or trying to pass off the subtle scratching-while-really-sort-of-picking in public? Preempt your phlegm with the Nasal Aspirator, also known as the Snot Vacuum. It’s a tube vacuum you stick up your nose to suck out any potential boogers. Recommended for children, I would advise some caution lest you go too far into the brain and extract your child’s chances of following in your footsteps to the nerdy heights of Northwestern.
If earwax is more your jam, don’t worry, we’ve got that covered too, thanks to this scope camera from Japan. While it won’t clean your inner ears for you, it will probe deep into your ear and give you a readout on the attached screen so you can make sure things stay under control up in there. However, in the wise words of my father, remember to stop when you hit resistance.
Make it art
Nagi Noda’s Hair Hats
People have a multitude of methods for making their heads artful: metal fixtures, face piercings or skull tattoos. But if you’re looking for a softer, more elegant form of cranial creativity, I recommend innovative artist Nagi Noda’s Hair Hats. They’re pre-made sculptures that attach into your hair, and they make it look like the an animal is coming out of your hair. Whether you’re a brunette walrus or a redheaded elk, these wig/hats can turn any simple, formal occasion into an evening of you wearing a dress and doing a lot of explaining.
Soak it up
Head Bath Cap and Head Kenzen
I like baths as much as the next person, but I don’t think I possess as much appreciation for soaking as the people who created the Head Bath Cap. Essentially a tight bowl-shaped cap with straps, you’re supposed to fill it with water to give your head a good, solid soaking. I wasn’t aware showering was insufficient, but I imagine a nice, semi-constant head submersion must do a body some good. If that seems too outrageous for you, a much better and scarier skull-pampering technique, is the Head Kenzen, a cheese-grater-looking head massager. Aside from providing a unique therapeutic experience, this product will also make you look like an angel of death metal.
Upgrade it
Android Robot Head DIY instructions
For $600 and a weekend or two of concentrated solitude, this handy guide by Patrick M. Rael, a computer science grad from the University of New Mexico, will show you how to build your own android head. Step by step instructions lead you to your own blinking, nodding robot head, as well as eternal glory as queen or king of the nerds. McCormick kids, on your mark…
Shrink it
Freud lollipops
Turn the tables and “shrink” the head of one of the most famous psychoanalysts of all time, Sigmund Freud. These watermelon-flavored lollipops shaped like Freud’s head provide a unique lollipop-sucking experience thanks to its “subtle contours.” As for the implications of this action on the relationship you have with your mother, well, let’s leave that one up to the version of Freud that can talk.