Winter Quarter is the freakish middle child of Northwestern’s screwy term system. It has neither the excitement of Fall Quarter’s start-of-a-new-year anticipation, nor the thrill of Spring Quarter’s descent into Dillo Day and a summer of freedom. Winter Quarter has little more to offer us than biting cold, windy commutes and hibernation. But in spite of the state of limbo students find themselves in, we still have to go to class. So why not spice up your lectures, discussion sessions, seminars, library marathons and all other academic nonsense with some innovations designed to make learning, procrastinating or faking it that much more exciting?
The Elite Calculator Belt Buckle ($14.99), Lucky Ruler ($20.00)
It seems like most people have strong emotions regarding math — they either love it, or given the choice between taking a Calc exam and sliding small shards of glass under their fingernails, they choose the latter. Either way, you can benefit from the Elite Calculator Belt Buckle, whether you’re flaunting your mastery of the subject or nervously punching away at your crotch during a midterm. Furthermore, non-math fans looking for an extra boost on assignments without cheating can chance it with the Lucky Ruler, which skips the number 13. Not all people afraid of analytical thinking are superstitious, but I sure know I wouldn’t take any chances.
IRISpen ($176.94), Livescribe ($199.95)
Gone are the days of paying a freshman to transcribe, read or take your notes for you (if I’m wrong about this one, I’m currently accepting applications), but few people will be sated by the suggestion of actually doing the work themselves. A space-age compromise could be the IRISpen, a scanner that transcribes printed text into computer text simply by scanning each line while hooked up to the USB. Because we go to Northwestern, and highlighters are just too pedestrian. Equally exciting is the LiveScribe. A pen with a built-in audio recorder, it also records your notes as you take them, and all that data can be uploaded to your computer, thereby maximizing your mid-lecture Facebook time.
Dead Fred Pen Holder ($9.99)
From some of the blanket statements often made about Northwestern students’ attitude towards their workload, you’d think we were all angry, raging balls of stress constantly on the verge of a breakdown. There is no time this rings truer than during the bleak, dreary Winter Quarter, when our meager bragging rights of having a pretty campus give way to the strong arguments of our other friends who say it’s better to go to a school that’s not near Chicago. Take out this frustration in a more productive way than switching your major to interpretive dance with the Dead Fred Pen Holder. Stabbing this little dude can give you the excitement of relieving your anger without the added anxiety of having to track down all your pre-law friends afterward.
Sleep Safe Tape (no price available)
Avid readers may argue that I’ve made this claim before, but I can assure you, the following discovery is by far the greatest thing I have ever seen. Presenting Sleep Safe Tape, strips of clear tape with extraordinarily convincing fake eyes printed on them, enabling one to sleep safely during lectures without getting on anyone’s bad side. Pair with the LiveScribe pen and a little calculator belt buckle action come exam time, and you could graduate from college without ever being conscious in a classroom. Livin’ the dream. last Junk Pile.