Today I saw a kid get totally nailed in the face with a snowball. It made me think of the simple, carefree frivolity of childhood, where you could beat the shit out of your friends and it was totally okay. And then I was reminded of the other delightful things associated with children: boogers, pinching, and all kinds of bodily fluids spewing all over the place. Doesn’t that make you wish you could go back there? If you do choose to reconnect with your younger self during these winter months- or any time adulthood gets too boring- be sure to do so in a cool, sophisticated, grown up way, with the help of these products and ideas. And make sure your regression includes plenty of fart jokes.
For your sleepovers that don’t end in a walk of shame
Pillow Fight pillowcase
Especially for little girls, sleepovers carry great meaning as a child. They are a mark of popularity, friendship, and all kinds of science experiments—like how to make someone wet their bed or what happens to a training bra when you put it in the freezer. Grownups have their own kinds of sleepovers sometimes (see Carnal Knowledge for tips on that), but if you choose to reconnect with the traditional kind of overnight, be sure to include the classic sleepover tradition: pillow fights.
When reliving this memory, step it up with this Pillow Fight pillowcase, whose red (soft) spikes and sturdy handle will let you bash the pigtails off your cohorts properly. Nothing like a little non-passive aggression to take the edge off of adulthood.
Just be careful where you wipe it
Finger Nose Hair Trimmer
With a pretty substantial history of babysitting under my belt, I can say with some authority that all kids pick their noses. It is a dark period in all our childhoods, the days when we didn’t know well enough to try to pass it off as a casual scratch, but defiantly went second-knuckle deep. While doing so now might earn you some strange looks, you can find comfort in the privacy of your own home, reminiscing on those simple days while dealing with one of those troublesome grownup problems with the Finger Nose Hair Trimmer. Finally, something productive you can stick up there!
Play with your food without making your mother puke
Edible Origami and Slime Cake
When we were kids and everything we ate consisted of different colors of mush, playing with our food was one of the best misdeeds we could get away with. But as we get older, we have to eat properly. We have to eat in an orderly fashion. We have to eat vegetables. But that doesn’t mean those happy, carefree days of playing with your food must totally evade you. You might even get mad props for it, if you learn how to use edible components to make origami. Or if your tastes are still childish and gross (like mine), take advantage of the fact that you’ve graduated from Easy Bake and regress to the days of Nickeloedon Magazine recipes. Bust out a wicked slime cake and do me proud.
Either way, your big brother will tease you
“Action Figure” online community
“Little girls play with dolls, little boys play with ‘action figures.’” As outdated or sexist as this idea may be, I know a lot of women today who grew up with Barbies, and a lot of guys who will staunchly argue even now that buying different outfits for their G.I. Joe was “totally butch” simply because that was an “action figure.” Well, there’s no need to outgrow your passion for dolls. Here you’ll find an entire community of action figure collectors. Go to an “action figures” convention. Plan a trip to the rumored soon-to-open Barbie museum. Don’t worry, you can still pretend you’re there out of nostalgia.
Everyone poops
Poop literature, jokes, and the Turd Twister
Kids are immature: They love gross stuff and fart jokes. So naturally, kids love poop. So if you’re going to regress properly, you will invariably have to revisit the concept of poop. Bone up on poop literature, indulge in poop humor or embrace one of the greatest inventions of all time, the ultimate in combining kid and adult humor and upgrading child dreams to adulthood reality, the Turd Twister. Combining the grossest imaginable bathroom humor with the timeless fun of play dough, the Turd Twister is everything a bona-fide grownup could need to feel like a kid again, and to do it in style.