It’s 8:32 a.m. The shivers up and down your spine are much more apparent now that the ever-dangerous beer jacket has departed from last night’s endeavors. You are either a) walking barefoot, holding your stilettos or b) braving the pain from your throbbing blisters. You have transformed into a raccoon from any remaining mascara. You would trade all your Munch Money for a lengthy shower and nap. You are taking a little something called a Walk of Shame.
Now take it from the flip side. You’re a bro, you just got some and now you’re strutting down Sheridan like Muhammad Ali post-Joe Frazier. You are now taking a Victory Lap, also known as the Stride of Pride.
Both versions of this phenomenon refer to the action of having to walk home in the morning following a night of partying, sexual activity or any of those inconceivable acts from which college students obviously refrain. But why is it that females somehow don’t relish in the stroll with the same swagger as our Victory Lap counterparts?
Let’s take this from an evolutionary perspective. The male figure, while taking on the innate role as hunter, deserves to saunter back to Bobb having “gathered” his prey after a Monday night spent sucking face at the Keg. In this scenario, the woman has consensually succumbed to her huntsman’s efforts and has no pride to show during her homecoming the next morning. With these instinctive gender roles intact, those humorous titles come with a level of truth.
Sorry, Discovery Channel, but I think we have to leave natural instincts out of this one. In fact, said titles are completely arbitrary. Our Walk of Shame and the male Victory Lap are incredibly similar, accomplishing the same goals and suffering from the same degree of humiliation. So why don’t we just get over those misogynistic labels and call it what it is. My arguments are as follows.
Argument 1: Assuming this so-called Walk of Shame resulted from a consensual response to “My roommate is out of town,” the male could not be taking his little Stride of Pride without a little help from his lady friend. You are not embarking on a conquest; you are getting permission to take someone home with you.
Argument 2: Whether you are wearing heels or a suit jacket, bed head or morning breath, onlookers will know what’s up. Even prospies aren’t ignorant enough to think you’re simply dressing up for class. So male or female, you’re in an embarrassing situation.
Argument 3: Most importantly, though, you both just got some. And what do Northwesterners love better than an A in orgo?
All cliché sexist comments aside, it is ridiculous and slightly offensive that such classic mindsets permeate all the way into walking home in the morning. You’re walking back from getting ass, for Christ’s sake. What is wrong with our society when a female can’t walk back from her boy toy’s house without feeling shameful?
Grin and bear it, ladies. You have no reason to feel disgraceful. But in all honestly, if you find yourself doing it enough, invest in one of these. You can thank me later.