On a scale of unknown to household name, Emma Stone is probably about an 11. If we're being generous, we could give iCarly a solid 7. In Dan Schneider’s world, however, this is not the case. So what does happen when these two forces of nature come together?
Unfortunately, they don’t make a delicious, ice-cold Slurpee. They instead make the television equivalent of a melted Slurpee – a lukewarm, syrupy, though still drinkable, mess. It might not be the most enjoyable beverage, but as always, I’m here to drink it for you and describe the experience as best I can.
This episode of iCarly tasted like disappointment and regrets, kind of like a Mountain Dew-flavored Slurpee. This episode details the gang’s attempt to find same-age friends for Spencer, a quest that ultimately proves to be irrelevant when we learn that Spencer doesn’t actually need any more friends. Schneider tries very hard to distract from the lackluster story line with droves of increasingly random jokes, as if to say, “Come on. Do the Dew. You know you want to.” But I can’t. And I shouldn’t. And I won’t.
Why? Because I know there are better flavors out there. Even in episodes where he isn’t involved in the primary plot, Spencer has shined more than he did last night, such as in “iPity the Nevel” and “iGot a Hot Room.” On one level, it is hard for me to complain after getting my wish for more Spencer in the final episodes. But on the other hand, it’s not at all hard for me to complain. I’m doing it right now, and it's pretty easy.
Yet the ease with which I complain doesn’t change the fact that this episode felt so inconsequential. Nothing changed or moved forward. No one even died. With only a few episodes left before the show wraps for good, this kind of stalling can’t take place. It’s not the time for one-offs or detours. Now is the time for earth-shattering revelations. No opportunity can be missed.
On the subject of missed opportunities, remember way back when I ranked both Emma Stone and iCarly on a scale of unknown to household name? In reality, Emma Stone comes out on top, but in Carly’s world Emma Stone is a nobody, a loser, a non-contender. Not only does she play a random fan of the webshow, her role does nothing to move the episode. She doesn’t even make any jokes (though you could argue that her presence itself is a joke).
In fact, you could literally cut out every frame with her in it, and there would be no hole in the episode. You wouldn’t know something is missing. The effervescent Stone ends up being about as unnecessary and useless as a real stone. She plays the type of character that every screenwriting manual will tell you to avoid: a purposeless one. And all the effervescence in the world can’t change that.
Perhaps there’s some commentary at play here in taking an A-list celebrity and making her entirely pointless, and as per usual, I’m going to give Mr. Schneider the benefit of the doubt.
That said, my patience is running out, much like the show’s remaining life. For the second week in a row I’ve ingested a cup of brown sludge water, hoping to somehow will it to regain its frosty form. And for the second week in a row, these attempts have been in vain.
I’ll accept my two melted Slurpees. I just hope the next one actually comes out frozen. And Dr. Pepper flavored.