Before you read one word of this, drooling he-men of Northwestern, be warned: there are no naked pictures of hot, sweaty, young co-eds playing tonsil-hockey in the Allison Virgin Vault. You’ll just have to wait for the Playboy: Girls of the Big Ten edition to hit newsstands. My sincerest apologies.
What you will find here, however, is an entreaty to the women of our fine school – to every chick from Elder to Willard; to the engineers and the music majors; to the Thetas, Delta Zetas and groupie-Betas – I ask of you:
Stop making out with other girls.
Right, right, so you’re at this super fun party with your best friends for life and you’ve had so many Mike’s and you’re totally connecting with that hot guy from your freshman seminar when your best friend gives you a hug and all these super cool guys at this super cool party start chanting, “Make out!” And it seems like a super cool idea.
Well, it isn’t. My main issue with (straight) girls that make out with other (straight) girls is that they do it for attention. Up there with naughty nurses and a Keira Knightley look-alike who just won’t take no for an answer, girl-on-girl action is one of the most pervasive male sexual fantasies in American culture. Everyone say it with me: “Duh.”
There’s a reason girls make out with other girls at parties and frats. They do it to be seen. Seen by guys. Seen by guys as hot and sexy and cool and fun. And does this work? For about a minute. Everyone is going to stop and look. Attention? Achieved.
But this is not the kind of attention you want to get, ladies. Not only will people stop and stare, but they will also take out their nifty camera phones and video record your seven minutes in pseudolesbian heaven. Planning on running for office? Not anymore.
Plus, while you’re sucking face with your BFF, not only are you pulling her hair out of your mouth, but you’re also seriously damaging the respect people have for you. Yeah, you’re getting attention from guys, but at what expense? Sure, they’re going to see you as hot and sexy and cool and fun – and easy. If you’ll make out with a girl in front of half their pledge brothers and three-quarters of the freshman class, they’ll assume there’s nothing you won’t do – say, in their bedrooms.
I also happen to know that fraternity brothers make a practice out of posting this sort of thing on their listservs – and not in a “Isn’t she so cool?” kind of way. They’ll jot a memo about how they “slayed” or “conquered” you, or, simply, that you’re a slut. And you can be a virgin who won’t kiss until the third date – it won’t matter. Oh, and there’s a rumor going around that Mary Desler, the dean of student affairs, reads frat listservs. So she’ll know, too.
And that’s not even counting what the girls who witness your liplocking will say. Remember when Britney and Madonna frenched at the VMAs? Do you remember any girl saying, “Wow, those are two classy and attractive ladies. I want to go buy their albums and pray that my little sister sees them as role models”? No? Me neither.
Other girls will see you as trashy. Perhaps it’s just out of jealousy; while every person in the room with a working set of balls is jockeying for the best position to witness your Tour de Tongue, some girls are standing against the wall with their arms crossed. Or maybe they see it like I do: that you’re desperately trying to get attention by breaking the rules.
What are the rules of attention seeking? They’re unspoken and entirely undefined – kind of like how you generally shouldn’t get with your best friend’s ex, even though your friend never told you not to. It’s the line between sexy and skanky – it’s the groan that everyone releases when the pop star that told CosmoGIRL! she didn’t need to take her clothes off to sell a record, well, takes her clothes off.
You see, other girls will (usually) be fine if you wear a really hot top, do your make-up an especially sexy way or develop a flirty smile that guys can’t refuse. That’s in the playbook. When you make out with another girl to get guys’ attention, you’re out of bounds. The only way for her to compete with that is to get naked and ride the stair banister (oh God, please don’t do this either). And girls are known for their penchant for gossiping, too. Are you ready to be tomorrow’s conversation topic?
Now, I overheard a freshman on the Purple Route the other night relaying to her friends that “he said it wasn’t cheating so long as it was with another girl… and if I told him about it in explicit detail afterward.” Right. I’m not sure why a guy would tell his girlfriend this, knowing full well that by tonguing another chick she’s arousing a roomful of those drooling he-men we lost 14 paragraphs ago. Even if your boyfriend does give you his blessing, do you really want the reputation we just so thoroughly discussed? My gal friend last year told me that she made out with other girls (yes, in front of other guys) because it wasn’t cheating. Is that to say she would’ve been making out with other guys, if that was acceptable?
On the other hand, maybe you’re making out with girls because you’re exploring your feelings for them. You could be a self-identified lesbian, or just curious. I am more than cool with that – more power to you! But chances are you are doing this in a private space, like a dorm room, where you can explore your feelings in a safe environment, and not for the entertainment of others. If you are curious about your sexuality, please don’t explore it in a frat basement. Give your feelings the respect they deserve – don’t cheapen them.
I know that by writing this I have probably blacklisted myself from every frat, earned the animosity of every guy and half the girls on campus and excited some half-wit blogger who can now write, “NBN writer suppresses sexuality! Ruins fun! Steps on a squirrel! Suicide-bombs Nigeria!” or some other crap like that. But if this is your reaction, you’ve genuinely missed my point.
Sexuality is something that should be explored. People should go out on Friday nights and get wasted. But when you make out with another girl, you’re not being seen as sexy – you’re being seen as a sex object. And you’re too good for that. You’re interesting, attractive and brilliant (hell, you go here), and you deserve so much better than object status. Make the guys high-five because you make the last cup in beirut, not because they’re watching you and your drunk friend sloppily go at it.
Or, pull an American Pie 2: Tell the guys you’ll make out with your gal friend… if they make out with their guy friends. Now that’s something for the listserv.