Of all the recent trends that Hollywood has tried to make happen, few have been more baffling or consistently egregious than the fairy tale reimagining. A broad majority of these projects are billed as “grittier,” “darker” more “mature” takes (read: vampires) on fables that were originally written for small children because, being discerning adults, we’ve all always wanted to see Kristen "Boo-Boo" Stewart fight troll-goblins as Snow White. Hiding behind their mountains of cocaine and yachts full of hookers, studio executives have misused and abused these beloved fairy tale classics under the guise of synergistic creativity, spawning dreck like Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, Jack the Giant Slayer, The Sorcerer’s Apprentice and Red Riding Hood. Unfortunately, none of these projects do particularly well at the box office, and almost all are critical nightmares, so I’ve come up with a list of five fairy tale retellings that can get those nuts over in Hollyweird on the right track.
Clever Hans!
Stars: Adam Sandler, Adam Sandler in drag, Rob Schneider
Director: Jay Roach
Everyone’s favorite Germanic folk hero is back in this wacky adaptation of a fairy tale you’ve literally never heard of. When Hans (Sandler) returns home one day to find that his fiancée, Gretel (also Sandler), has been captured by vampire-witches, he must set out on a dangerous and hilarious quest to retrieve the items needed to save his lover. Fresh off the multiple-award-winning Jack and Jill, Sandler again combines his typical warm sense of poop humor and penchant for adventure to make a winning family film. Some homeless person who peed all over the movie’s poster grumble-raves, “Ish a winner!”
Gruff Night
Stars: Zach Galifianakis, Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, presumably some goats
Director: Todd Phillips
From the director of The Hangover comes the tale of the three Billy brothers who, after a wild night of partying, find themselves transformed into talking goats. In order to reverse the curse before some important thing they have to attend as not-goats, the brothers Bill Billy (Helms), Willy Billy (Galifinakas) and Silly Billy (Cooper) must piece together the events of the previous night and convince a grumpy vampire-troll (Nick Nolte) to let them cross a bridge. Zany shenanigans ensue in what critics are despondently calling, “The Hangover, with goats.”
The Ugly Duckling 2: The Uglying
Stars: Andy Serkis in a mo-cap suit
Director: Timur Bekmambetov
Derived from the Hans Christian Andersen classic, TUD 2: TU tells the story of Donny Ducksworth (Serkis), an unfortunate looking, talking CGI duck who is abused from an early age for his general ugliness. When a loutish gathering of ogre-vampire trolls kills the goose he has a crush on, Ducksworth is pushed over the edge into rogue territory, taking the bloody warpath toward redemption in a revenge flick so violent that Quentin Tarantino has declared it, “off-puttingly duck-oriented.” With Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter director Timur Bekmambetov behind the camera, you just know things are about to get UGLY (*cue dubstep*).
Thumbs Up 2: 2 Thumbs Up
Stars: Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, Bela Lugosi’s corpse
Director: Tim Burton
Caked in feminine makeup and wearing one too many girly accessories, Depp stars in Burton’s revision of the English classic, Tom Thumb. After his parents are killed by marauding vampire-goblin gnomes, tiny orphan Tom Thumb searches for acceptance in the dark, gritty and visually rich slums of London left over from the sets of Sweeney Todd. Despite his quirky personality, alarming application of mascara and eight-inch stature, Thumb eventually makes friends and family through his various mishaps and adventures. Chicago Sun-Times critic Roger Ebert claims, “If you thought Alice in Wonderland was Tim Burton devolving into grotesque self-parody, wait until you see Thumb’s Up. Four stars.” The ghost of Gene Siskel raves, “Burton has become a human recycling bin.”
Dumpty; or, Walking on the Egg Shell Shore
Stars: Daniel Day Lewis, Meryl Streep for precautionary Oscar-bait measure
Director: Paul Thomas Anderson
Art house favorite Paul Thomas Anderson directs this stark, beautiful look at the existential crisis of an egg, Humpty Dumpty, who literally and mentally breaks to pieces after falling off of a wall one day. Daniel Day Lewis, who previously worked with Anderson on There Will Be Blood, gives a method acting performance for Dumpty so vital that he turned into an actual egg for three weeks during production. Shot with an incubator instead of a camera, Anderson proves once again that he is a master of cinematic technique and is totally going to win a bunch of Independent Spirit awards. The New Yorker film critic David Denby lauds the work, stating, “Daniel Day Lewis clearly wants another Oscar. I adored the subtle inclusion of gritty vampire-werewolf-goblin trolls into the Humpty Dumpty mythos.”
