It’s 2 a.m. on Saturday night. You’re done with parties – the sobbing girl at the theatre fundraiser was the last straw – but you don’t feel like the night is over. Why? You’re hungry. You want a feast fit for a king.
A burger king.
And so, somehow, you wind up at BK, where everyone ends up at 2 a.m. on Saturdays. Do you really want a Whopper? Chicken tenders are great, don’t get me wrong, but after a while they get pretty janky. Heat lamps tend to do that to protein. I know, I know, BK is as much a post-party institution as The Keg was (is? Evanston needs to make up its mind, already): even though it’s not that great, it’s the place to be after the party, see friends and drunkenly try to count how many teeth the bouncers have as they weigh the decision to throw you out or not.
But I’m going to be real: Evanston has over 100 restaurants. It owes us more than apple fries and an extra-large Diet Coke. Here are the top five restaurants that aren’t drunk restaurants that should be:
5. Joy Yee's
Joy Yee’s ginormous portions are guilt-inducing, or at least food coma-inducing. You can get a lot of pretty decent and cheap food. And you know you go to BK not just because it’s open after that crush party goes terribly awry and you need to eat all the feelings, but also because you can get three Whoppers for the same price of an actual burger. Joy Yee’s is about the same, except for the whole “getting real food” thing. Though it’s probably really easy to impale yourself on chopsticks after six consecutive games of beer pong, the real downside is the fact that it closes at 10:30 on Fridays and Saturdays.
4. Clarke’s
No one can deny how awesome it is to eat breakfast when it’s not breakfast time and everyone knows that trying to eat food with a terrible hangover is awful. These two facts make one thing clear: Eat breakfast before you wake up with a hangover. Clarke’s is open pretty late on the weekends, but not late enough. Cinnamon roll pancakes are most delicious at three in the morning.
Wings are great for pregames and they’re great for after-parties, too. A Whopper could never measure up to the goodness that is extra-spicy buffalo sauce-covered chicken. And when you’re drunk, you’ve got an excuse for being as messy as you want. Smashed with sauce all over your face? The least of your dignity-related worries at this point.
2. Giordano’s
Greasy, greasy deep-dish pizza loaded with just about anything you could want. It’s a Chicago institution and it’s all up in your face. There are no questions to ask aside from why Papa John’s is open later.
1. Taco Bell
Let’s be honest: Taco Bell is not the best restaurant in Evanston. However, this article isn’t about the best restaurants in Evanston – it’s about where you go to get food when you’re three sheets to the wind and just want to shove food in your mouth. Ordering three volcano tacos and a Crunchwrap Supreme has about the same consequence as taking three shots of Jose and then chasing with a Pabst, but they’re both decisions you’re likely to make when you’re already wasted. Taco Bell is number one on this list because most people would only go there when they’re drunk.