Every year, unlucky undergrads land in the hospital after a crazy night out. But their emergencies aren’t necessarily from alcohol poisoning—Northwestern’s world-class campus offers ample opportunity for improvised late-night parkour. While avoiding serious injury may be tricky, alcohol is a practical fix for some common ailments.
Toothaches: This old wives’ tale is actually true: Alcohol works wonders for toothaches. If you want to do it by the book, soak a cotton ball with the highest concentration alcohol you have and apply it to the sore tooth. Of course, if you really wanted to play it safe, you’d go to a goddamn dentist. Swish it around—you might as well just get drunk already.
Burns: Chilled or frozen liquor can be your best bet for burns. Because of its lower freezing point, vodka works better than ice at numbing pain and fighting inflammation. So the next time you forget to blow out that Flaming Dr. Pepper shot before drinking it, go ahead and dunk your face in the nearest bucket of freezing Popov. Don’t forget to breathe every now and then!
Headaches: This one might seem counterintuitive, but as with burns, alcohol’s low freezing point makes it a great ice pack. Next Sunday morning, let that half-empty bottle of Smirnoff cure your hangover instead of just causing it. Glass bottles are better conductors than plastic ones, so you’re really not doing yourself any favors the next time you get that “Vodka” brand vodka to save a couple bucks.
Saturday Night Fever: Can’t dance? Drink up! Let the most powerful placebo on earth course through your veins and light that dance floor on fire. The ghost of ‘70s John Travolta will smile upon you favorably, even if whomever you’re hitting on doesn’t—that’s their loss. You look great. Dancing Queens: Could you do us a favor and just go along with it? Thanks.