If you’re anything like me, being outside in single-digit temperatures is about as appealing as an orgy with the Supreme Court justices. It’ll take nothing less than a six-figure sum of money or a date with Zac Efron to get me to go outside on a day that makes your nipples sharp enough to cut glass. Accordingly, on such days I’ll avoid leaving my dorm at all costs. With temperatures dipping below zero lately, I’ve acquired a wealth of knowledge about how to survive without ever leaving your comfy, heated and insulated dorm.
Food
If you check weather.com as often as I do (a couple of times an hour), you’ll be well aware when the weather should be taking a turn for the Arctic. In this case, you should be able to stock up on enough eatables to keep up your calorie intake during hibernation. However, if the weather sneaks up on you, there are ways to avoid passing out from hunger while cooped up inside.
- If you don’t live in a dorm with a dining hall in the building, take advantage of delivery food. Campusfood.com has enough options to provide greater diversity of food than Sargent’s Café could anyway.
- Mooch. Self-explanatory.
- Mail-order the necessary supplies for a mini vegetable garden in your room or basement. Plant vegetable seeds and grow them for sustenance. Swiss chard and collard greens are both hearty, healthy options to consider cultivating.
Class
Missing class is an inevitable consequence of remaining indoors, but fortunately, there are ways to keep your GPA afloat while staying toasty warm.
- Blackboard. It’s buggy, annoying and confusing, but if your professors post lecture notes or guides, it can be a lifesaver during your days of indoor life.
- E-mail your professors and tell them you’re sick. This is almost true—you’d get sick (or suffer from a mild case of death) if you stepped out, so you’re just taking preventative measures.
- Copy someone’s notes. Or pay someone to go to class for you.
- If you’re planning on staying cooped up for an extended period of time (read: until spring break), you should probably drop the class that requires the most actual attendance. Don’t drop more than one class though—you’ll be kicked out of university housing as a “part-time” student, and then you’ll be homeless and consequently, REALLY cold.
Entertainment
After you’ve exhausted NUTV (doesn’t take long) and your stash of DVDs, you’re probably going to get pretty bored stuck inside, especially if your room is small. But still, there are ways to keep amused without subjecting yourself to frostbite or hypothermia.
- Get really enthusiastic about your dorm’s game of Assassins.
- Engage in dormcest. Find someone in the building to be your lover, and go on dates in different locations within the building: lounge, kitchen, laundry room, or the Guitar Hero room of the dorm (every dorm has one).
- Stock up on alcohol beforehand, then consume. It’ll keep you nice and warm on cold nights.
Money
If you’re paying for people to go to class for you, eschewing your meal plan for delivery, and stocking up on alcohol, you’re going to need some fuel for the fire. Money is an essential part of living the life of a hermit, but you’re going to need to be crafty to make some without going outside. You could, of course, work at your dorm’s mailroom, but we can do better than that.
- Offer to do someone else’s chores. Laundry and cleaning are fair game—I know a few guys who would love to pay someone to wash their dishes and dirty socks.
- Start an underground business. You can buy and sell used textbooks or other goods. You might even earn enough to never have to leave the dorm until spring.