"Goodnight, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite." Like most American children, I often heard this from my parents. Almost everyone is familiar with this common phrase, not giving bed bugs much thought aside from this seemingly innocent benediction.
Unfortunately, the cute factor of this popular expression far exceeds that of the insects themselves. Bed bugs are not cute. Aside from looking like the love child of Aragog and that cockroach from the first Men in Black movie, the bites from these little buggers cause a nasty rash and they can be damn hard to get rid of. Plus, they're just gross. Orkin, an extermination company, describes them as "flat, reddish-brown, oval insects" which become "swollen and reddish after a blood meal." When it comes to things I want in my bed, these tiny vampiric insects aren't very high on the list (although, on the topic of vampires, Ian Somerhalder definitely is).
So when the news broke early Monday evening that bed bugs had been discovered in Willard, I'm sure I wasn't the only resident that wasn't too thrilled. Residential Services promised a quick eradication, saying in an email that "treatment of the room by a pest management vendor is underway".
Even so, the rumors spread fast and furious as Willardites speculated what measures would be taken to deal with these microscopic bloodsuckers. Residents bounced between worry of infestation ("I swear to god, I'm moving to Allison for the rest of the quarter") and evacuation ("Honestly, if they bug-bomb my room, I'm suing"). As one Willard resident (who wishes to remain anonymous) said, "There are too many motherf***ing bed bugs in this motherf***ing dorm." Students have yet to receive any official updates, and in the meantime are left to worry, complain, and scratch imagined itches.
Concerned about getting a buggy new roommate? Student Affairs provides an official guide to dealing with these unwelcome guests, but that's not enough for you, here's a run-down of the finest anti-bed-bug advice the internet has to offer.
Saran-Wrap Your Life Away
Because bed bugs are so tiny, they can easily hide in small spaces and get into just about everywhere (like suitcases, mattresses, and the cracks between your floorboards--almost as creepy as the stalker who hides under your bed). But they can't get through shrink-wrapped plastic. The solution? Encase your room in the stuff. Dozens of completely legitimate websites offer suitcase bags, clothing bags, mattress covers and pillow cases, proclaiming their products as "more than your average zippered box spring encasement." Despite the uncomfortable crinkling every time you roll over and having to peel your face off as it sticks to the plastic, you'll sleep more soundly knowing that your Ziplocked pillow is 100 percent bug-free.
Fairy Dust
If smothering your life in plastic doesn't sound appealing, opt for bed bug dust. Sprinkle this supposedly harmless pesticide powder around electrical outlets and under your mattress - just follow the warning label and make sure you wear a dust mask. One product, J.T. Eaton Kills Bed Bug Powder, advertises its bug-slaying dust as "made up of ground fossilized material, which acts like tiny razor blades that cut open the outer layer of the bed bug causing them to dehydrate and asphyxiate." Violent, but effective. Just don't tell PETA.
Fry 'Em
When shrink-wrap and razor blade powder fail to solve your buggy problems, pull out the old ant-under-a-magnifying glass trick. Since bed bugs can't survive temperatures above 115°, all you need to do is heat up everything you own to extreme temperatures! Stick your pillow in the dryer on the daily, blow-dry every inch of your mattress, and put those plastic casings to use by packing up your stuff and letting it cook outside in the sun all day. Just don't be surprised if your roommate moves out. If all else fails, when in doubt, throw it out. When your parents ask why you need an off-campus apartment because you got kicked out of university housing for setting fire to your mattress, just blame it on the bed bugs.