Despite the sub-zero temperatures, cruel despot Neal Sales-Griffin is sweating as he stands on his balcony overlooking Northwestern University, looking down at the fiery riot below. He closes his disbelieving eyes, but the illusion doesn’t disappear – the angry yells of the revolutionaries still berate his ears.
Inside, Sales-Griffin’s closest loyalists are wondering where they went wrong. Tommy Smithburg quietly ponders the portrait of Emperor Palpatine centered above the fireplace. Will Upton robotically shuffles a deck of cards. Seva Rodnyansky paces around the pastel-colored davenport. Claire Lew stokes the fire with a handful of confiscated hundred dollar bills. Bill Pulte is nowhere to be found (he escaped in a helicopter). Only Mike McGee tearfully watches their downtrodden leader through the glass door to the balcony.
Sales-Griffin’s game has finally come to an end. Led by four former Associated Student Government senators, an angry crowd of five-hundred Northwestern underclassmen are on their way to exact their final revenge on the maniacal dictator that plagued their lives for a quarter-and-a-half.
As the righteous horde approaches, Sales-Griffin makes eye-contact with the power-hungry traitors that sold him downriver. As glass shatters and doors are beaten down, he finds himself surrounded by the enraged insurgents and thinks “Damn you, Wizard of Wicker Park.”
This didn’t happen.
But if the ASG Executive Board doesn’t resign by Feb. 22, “then the oppresed [sic] students of Northwestern will force them out! Mark these words!” claims The Wizard of Wicker Park.
Who is this troublesome warlock? He or she is the brains behind a new blog claiming to have the support of four ASG senators and 500 students in a movement to impeach ASG President Neal Sales-Griffin and the ASG executive board.
Featuring a wanted list of “treasoners,” a “transcript” of a phone conversation from the Sales-Griffin office (which more than vaguely resembles one involving former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich), and several emotionally driven posts (most communicated with caps lock on), the blog is worth a look-over.
Substantially, however, the site is lacking. Real argumentation is hard to find, and constructive criticism is nonexistent. By choosing to simply call for ASG’s impeachment without offering any suggestions as to how the body could improve, The Wizard’s blog is about as politically viable as Anne Coulter’s new book. While the Wizard seems skilled at producing a couple of laughs, it’s hard to discern what he/she is actually angry about, or even if the blog is meant to be politically nuanced at all.
While there is no shortage of criticism of ASG in this political climate, a blog such as this one, if better-researched and more carefully-worded, could act as a valuable (albeit dramatic) watchdog to ASG, and could pressure ASG to perform better. But the Wizard currently alternates between comical, obnoxious, tasteless and silly. The awkward choice to mix satire delivered as fact with airy accusations of corruption lands the site in a world of political impotence.
Which raises the question: is this site meant to be serious? Take, for instance, The Wizard’s indictment of Treasurer Claire Lew: “She is a master in the martial arts and can kill with just one finger. Beware, she is also rumored to be deadly with a stapler. [caps removed]” Or how about his/her assessment of Sales-Griffin’s living arrangement: “Sources close to ASG and NBN have confirmed that ASG President Neal Sales-Griffin is no longer paying rent on his posh Evanston pad and is in fact living in his ASG office on the students['] dime. [caps removed]” Are these attempts at witty hyperbole? Is The Wizard even trying to send a message? Maybe there is nothing to get worked up about. Unless, of course, you are one the publicly defamed exec board members.
Despite The Wizard’s incessant name-calling and calls for revolutionary action, Sales-Griffin isn’t especially troubled by his/her blog’s existence.
“This isn’t the first time a comedic approach has been taken to come at a student government,” says Sales-Griffin.
The ASG President went so far as to suggest that The Wizard of Wicker Park could very well be someone close to the heart of the organization.
“I think that whoever this person is, they’re an insider. I can smell it,” Sales-Griffin says. “Whoever wrote that knows a lot about the informal dynamics of our executive board members. The insight could have been translated to an outsider, but I have this feeling that somebody is trying to poke fun at the fact that people make so much fun of ASG and are unaware of what we do.”
Sales-Griffin insisted that, if and when the identity of The Wizard is revealed, “there certainly wouldn’t be any animosity. This has brought a lot of humor to our organization. It’s funny.”
And if the coup is real?
“They know where to find me. I’ll be waiting in my office.”
The Wizard of Wicker Park could not be reached for comment.