We walked into the room without knocking and caught you touching yourselves, Northwestern. On Monday, we anonymously surveyed 59 of you at Norris, Tech and the Freshman Quad on your chicken-choking habits. Here’s what we found on the taboo topic known as masturbation. You saw it here first.
Ladies
For shame, ladies of Northwestern! Only 20 percent of you admitted to ever masturbating. If the Kinsey Reports accurately report that 44 percent of all female undergraduate college students masturbate, then some females are clearly lying. With so few women engaging in this surreptitious deed and even fewer admitting to it, one wonders. What influences a girl to reach down her pants and have a go? Perhaps the statistics shed light on the issue.
School: Thirty-three percent of Weinberg women admitted to masturbating, while only 16 percent of the McCormick mavens reported doing so. These particular women might have their hands too busy flipping textbook pages to venture further south. Communication, Medill, Music and SESP ladies all reported near 20 percent.
Relationship status: Does a woman’s relationship status affect whether or not she masturbates? Apparently so: Forty percent of women in relationships masturbate, as opposed to a mere 13 percent of single gals. Now that’s counterintuitive.
…Pubic Hair? Of the women who reported surrendering to the hand police, a whopping 75 percent said that the carpet matches the drapes — the average for all women surveyed was 50 percent. Aha! The answer to who masturbates is just a peek in the undies away.
Just say when (and how!)
The average Northwestern female who masturbates started at the age of 14. She masturbates an average of 2.25 times a week and uses a combination of softcore porn and fantasy to help her along. Who, do you ask, inspires her fantasties while she’s stirring her own pot? One-hundred percent of Northwestern females who masturbate reported imagining their boyfriends. Even the single girls. The most startling statistic that the ladies provided: Almost half of women who masturbate admitted to doing so outdoors. Kinky!
Gentlemen
Now for some data that we can really get a grip on! Unsurprisingly, 94 percent of guys own up to masturbating. This lines up nicely with the Kinsey Reports, which say that 98 percent of undergraduate college men masturbate. Looks like NU guys are much more willing to discuss matters of self-pleasure. Shocking.
School: One-hundred percent of McCormick and Medill guys masturbate, compared to a more modest 87 percent of Weinberg men. The average McCormick guy masturbates 4.75 times a week, while Weinberg guys stroke the trouser snake 3 times a week, on average. They say that engineers and journalists have the heaviest workload at NU — maybe they need stress relief more than the average Wildcat.
On top of that, the average McCormick guy first masturbated at the young age of 11.5, whereas Weinberg guys tended to wait until they were 13. In the science world, they start ‘em young!
Relationship status: Unlike the ladies, 44 percent of the gentlemen say they don’t masturbate when in a relationship. Whether this stems from respect for their girlfriends or simply getting enough action to fulfill their needs depends on the man.
Where and how: The nitty gritty
Most guys reported using a combination of hardcore porn and fantasy while masturbating. A few men said they imagine celebrities (the most frequent mention goes to Jessica Alba), but a whopping 84 percent said they think about their girlfriend while whacking off. Aww…that’s sweet.
The guys were also much more likely to get caught in the act than the girls: Thirty-six percent of men had the delightful experience of being walked in on by parents, siblings, roommates and friends. And 21 percent reported getting caught masturbating by God. Come on, guys: You know there’s no escaping the all-seeing eyes of the Almighty.
And while most girls said they masturbate in bed only, 84 percent of guys said they touch themselves in front of the computer. Only 36 percent said they masturbate in bed, 15 percent masturbate in bathroom stalls, and 15 percent do it in the shower. Why all guys don’t do it in the shower is hard to understand: Wouldn’t it all be much neater?
Whew! Northwestern is already known for its fine academics. Maybe someday, we’ll be known for our quirky ways of masturbating — the engineers’ daily shake, the ladies’ occasional outdoor romp. Wildcats, throw out your prestigious SAT scores and GPAs. These are the numbers that make you great.