The holiday season is always tainted for me because I hate liars, and nothing seems to bring out the James Frey in my friends like the question, “What do you want for Christmas/Hanukkah/that-stupid-holiday-Adam-Brody-coined-that-people-insist-on-bringing-up- every-year-despite-the-fact-that-it-clearly-is-not-nor-has-ever-been-even-moderately-humorous- or-original?” Look, Brody: I can make up words too.
But despite my gripes, people will continue answering this question with aggravatingly vague answers like, “Aw, you don’t have to get me anything!” or “Oh, it’s the thought that counts.” (Yet no one seems to receive my thoughts well.) While you can find a gift guide in pretty much any magazine, I’ve created this much more realistic gift guide that addresses the ambiguous answers your greedy friends give you. Just ask the question:
What do you want for the holidays?
They say:
“Oh, don’t worry about it. I have everything I need.”
They mean: “My parents make more money than your parents do, so shine my shoes and suck on this [jabs Blackberry emphatically]!”
Get them: Nothing. Ignore them until at least next Christmas or until they stop being so braggy and proud. Engage in insider trading until the stock market crashes and their family mansion burns to the ground. [insert cackle here]
They say:
“Oh, sweetheart, your love is enough of a gift for me.”
They mean: “Impress me, or I will stop loving you, but silently. Sure, we’ll go through the motions, but my eyes will be hollow black voids. And when we kiss, I’ll pretend you’re my Intro to Fiction TA.”
Get them: Nothing. If they’re not imagining the TA of at least a 300-level class, then you, my friend, are slummin’. There’s a reason the National Breakup Month starts a week after Christmas.
They say:
“Well, I wasn’t planning on getting you anything.”
They mean: “I’m selfish and emotionally unavailable. Once, when I was hanging upside down from the monkey bars in the second grade, a big kid pulled my pigtail and now I have intimacy issues and vertigo. Also, I’m cheap.”
Get them:Scunci No Damage Hair Elastics, $3.29 at Walgreens. See, you thought I was going to say “nothing.” That would only make this already psychotic person completely lose their grip on reality and start hurling miniature explosives at the closest flailing human (that being you). Instead, you will be providing them with hair ties that do not rip their hair out when their pigtails get pulled. It’s all very Freudian.
They say:
“I really like that sweater you always wear. Does it come in other colors?”
They mean: “My bags are packed and the cab is waiting at the curb. I’ve already stolen your social security number, credit card information and passport. Once I have this sweater, there’s no turning back. It’ll be sweet living in Ibiza with Pedro and Raul. I told the Feds they’d never take me alive.”
Get them: The sweater right off your back. Aiding and abetting makes for a great story at parties, and let the gentlemen tell you, the ladies like a man who’s been on the inside. Incidentally, you might be an extra in that crappy Sandra Bullock movie. Weiiiiird.
They say:
[Laughs, then shakes head and gives no real answer]
They mean: “If I’m missing Tila Tequila because this moron is wasting my time, it is going DOWN.”
Get them:Tila Tequila 2008 Wall Calendar, $12.75 on Amazon.com. What? This one’s obvious.
They say:
“Oh, I don’t care. I’d like anything.”
They mean: “…except a baby by Paris Hilton.”
Get them: A baby by Paris Hilton, $500 at LocateADoc.com. I think that it’s one of those things your friend will initially be angry about, but by Valentine’s Day everybody will be laughing and saying, “Remember when you stole a sperm sample from me in my sleep, then sent it off to a lab to be turkey basted into Paris Hilton’s hoo-ha?” Ah, nostalgia. The gift that keeps on giving.