Men.
Everywhere I turn lately, there’s a pissed-off chick who wants to declare genocide on Y chromosomes. He hooked up with you, then he didn’t call. He called, but he didn’t say the right thing. He said the right thing, but he took a call from his dying kid sister. The nerve of that asshole.
No matter how many conversations I eavesdrop on, one thing remains consistent in the female mind: The men just aren’t men. They aren’t holding doors open or carrying simpering women over puddles. Maybe it’s the crowd Northwestern draws: the music, theatre and engineering schools don’t exactly breed Fabios (but Medill? Ow ow.). Not that playing the trumpet, interpreting Hamlet or buying a new pocket protector is – oh, geez, where was I going with this?
Anyway, I say to the men of Northwestern, reclaim your manliness! Let us return to the good old days, when men used to jump off buildings because they couldn’t support their families financially! When women believed that blue balls was a legitimate medical disease! When Joanie loved Chachi! Just implement these quick, easy suggestions into your daily life and you’re on your way to instant, Fonz-approved masculinity. Everybody with me: “Aaaaaay.”
- Challenge someone to a duel. Cut in line at The Keg? TA give you an unfair grade on your midterm paper? Someone smaller and weaker within your visual range? It’s time to slap a bitch – with a glove. And remember: real men fight to the death.
- Chop lumber. And don’t even say, “This is a college campus. I definitively know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I do not have access to lumber.” What do you call the dorm lounge furniture? Get to chopping. Wear plaid.
- Cologne. And lots of it.
- Hang something dead on the wall. Nothing says manly like a carcass hanging next to your Dilbert wall calendar. While back home you probably have the head of a moose or a deer mounted in your log cabin (that you built yourself, out of dorm furniture), Northwestern prohibits you from drilling holes in the wall; so, you’ll need to hunt a lighter mammal that can hang from adhesive hooks – like a skunk, or a freshman.
- Muscle tees. Don’t think you own a muscle tee? Take a T-shirt with a clever saying like “I’m a Keeper” or “There’s enough of me to go around.” LOL! Now cut the sleeves off and talk ad nauseum about a gun show you’re selling tickets to.
- Handshakes. How firmly you can shake a comrade’s hand is, like every other thing in your life, a euphemism for how effectively you can break a bedpost. Shake hard. Shake until you hear bones breaking. Then release. Maybe spit. Spitting is always cool.
- Order a steak. Raw. Still alive, if the restaurant can accommodate this. Taking a chomp out of the hide of a cow is, incidentally, the only cure known to balance out those eight hours you dedicated to the America’s Next Top Model marathon. You know who you are.
- Develop your self-worth. Got it? Good. Now stake your entire self-worth on how your favorite football team is playing this season. Hope you’re not a Rams fan.
- Grow a mustache. Nothing says “I don’t know what this blood thing is you speak of, but my heart pumps testosterone” quite like a lush thicket of man-hair between your nose and upper lip. You’ve seen the ‘stache on happenin’ dudes like Geraldo and Hulk Hogan. Now it’s time to add a little Hulkamania to your life – and face. Womanly genes damning you to an emasculated baby face? Click here. You’re welcome.
- Grill something. Preferably something you tracked and hunted yourself. Really, you can grill anything (except steak, see item above): chicken, pork, franks – even your foot. If you don’t have access to a grill (meaning, somehow, you did not join a fraternity, and thus are beyond the help this simple article can afford you), hop on eBay and get yourself one of George Foreman’s finest.
- Sweat. Sweat as often as possible, in as many situations as you can. You see, men don’t cry. Sweating allows the natural salts to escape the male body. I’m not saying I agree or disagree – it’s just science.
- Drink crappy beer. And say you like it. Natty Ice, Keystone and Pabst are essential man-fuel. They replenish what you lose by sweating.
- Tell jokes. And remember, it’s not funny if it’s not offensive. Ask a girl if she wants to hear a joke. When she says, “What?,” you reply, “Women’s rights.” Classic humor.