Spoiler alert*
In the fourth Indiana Jones installment, Indy looks for El Dorado. He encounters aliens and finds out that the Fonz (Shia LaBeouf as Mutt Williams) is his son. Indiana Jones survives an atomic bomb blast by hiding in a refrigerator… WTF?
Confusion reigns throughout Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Directed by Steven Spielberg, with a story by George Lucas and starring a graying but still scrappy Harrison Ford, it has the bill for a summer blockbuster. With glossy sets, stunning on-location shots and well executed action sequences, it’s nice enough to look at. Sadly, the action and acting were too forced and too unbelievable to overcome the unforgivably bad plot.
But people like to be positive (don’t they?). Although most of the film is incredibly unbelievable, here are three things I’d actually believe about Indiana Jones:
1. Players don’t quit.
Like any good action hero, Indiana Jones proves that cool moves aren’t limited to fighting the KGB. In Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Indy finds out that he has a son with a woman he had left. It’s hard to keep a good man monogamous – especially one that can shoot guns. How many illegitimate children does James Bond have? Enough to populate a small country? Alas, the world may never know.
2. Shia LeBeouf will be the next Indiana Jones.
Vanity Fair, among other internet speculators, wrote about the possibility. In the final scene, Indiana Jones’s signature hat is blown off a coat hook and floats to LeBeouf’s feet. The brainy professor being replaced by a kid in a leather jacket who’d rather sculpt his hair than read a book? Say it isn’t so.
3. Indiana Jones will make tons of money.
If the disappointing Star Wars “prequels” have taught us anything, it’s that nostalgia sells. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace received mixed reviews (Rotten Tomato’s consensus: “Lucas needs to improve on the plot and character development, but there’s plenty of eye candy to behold”) that are reminiscent of those for Indy 4, if more negative. It was also 1999’s highest grossing film, making $924 million at the box office worldwide.
Kingdom of the Crystal Skull isn’t going to become a landmark in cinema. But with pretty shots and the legacy of one of the most famous action franchises ever, it’ll be something to chat up strangers about.
*An early version of this review didn’t make it clear it contained spoilers. North by Northwestern regrets the error.