Every Spring Quarter, ASG presidential candidates promise to improve professor-student relations and swear that Norris will be renovated. Although ASG presidents have one year to not fulfill their campaign platforms, NU administrators have unlimited time to fix up (or mess up) the school.
So will the next 50 years bring about improvements? We can only guess how things will change.
Admissions
The admit rate has continued to decline, even though the number of accepted students has risen considerably. For the 2058-59 academic year, 296,746 students were admitted, but the yield rate is expected to be around 0.67 percent. Most of the students that attend are still self-conscious about NU’s US News & World Report rankings, and are still sore that they didn’t get into Princeton-Qatar.
Tech
After extensive renovations, the Technological Institute has defeated the Pentagon as the building with the largest network of public hallway space in the world. Unfortunately for others, this record expansion has severely infringed upon pretty much any building sorry enough to have stood within six miles of it. A new building, The Garrett Theological Memorial Center for the Study of Evolution, was part of the expansion in 2030 that added 1.3 million square feet to the institute. Sargent, a former dining hall and dorm, was turned into the Center for Agoraphobic Analysis, and former dorm Bobb-McCulloch has been converted into the Institute for the Prevention of Substance Abuse and Regurgitation.
Nearby fraternities have been renovated into summer homes for President Mary Desler.
The Lakefill
Due to the unprecedented expansion of Tech, the Lakefill has been extended by an additional 126 acres into Lake Michigan. The petition to dump so many tons of sediment and land into the lake was met with criticism, and the case was brought to the Supreme Court. Objections were raised because the volume of land taken for the project made it possible to drive straight from Illinois to Michigan. The case was dropped, however, when Chief Justice John Lavine cited a rigorous study that “sure felt good” about the Lakefill extension.
Tuition and fees
Because of inflation and competition between elite universities, Northwestern has been forced to continue their 4.8-percent tuition increase each year. Tuition now tops $383,170 annually, with room and board running about $117,736 for a double room. Due to the substantial hike in prices, financial aid has been increased to almost $14 billion per year. The average student spends about $4,200 per quarter on books.
Construction
Although it was thought that most major construction would be finished by 2021, the university decided to revamp undergraduate housing. Floors are constantly being added to existing residential structures to make room for the rising numbers of students.
Final construction on the north door of the library was completed in 2027. Where the door and handicap access elevator used to be, there are now free Slurpees sponsored by 7-Eleven.
Annie May Swift is still under construction.
Sports
In an effort to rebuild his career, basketball coach Bill Carmody has taken over the women’s lacrosse team. The former national champions haven’t won a Big Ten match since 2033.
And to increase attendance at Northwestern’s Big Ten sporting events, Chipotle has installed franchises in every sporting venue on campus and now serves free burritos during games. Due to the overwhelming school spirit surrounding the fast food chain, the Northwestern mascot has officially been changed to the Fighting Burritos.
Sex Week
After the overwhelming response to copious amounts of free sex toys, College Feminists decided to make Sex Year, running from September through June. Now there’s not only porn at Tech — there’s good porn at tech.
Medill 2020
Because of unforeseen difficulties, Medill has been forced to push back their original date for implementation of a new multimedia, audience-driven curriculum. Medill 2070 promises to be the most innovative program to date, on the cutting edge of new technology. The professors will even know how to use the technology.
Norris
After more than seven decades of complaining about how out of the way the student center is, the NU administration has responded to the situation.
Wait, never mind.