Think you know who’s going to win the Republican presidential nomination? Think again. We have a new front runner, and his name is Gov. Mitt Romney.
Sure, the Massachusetts governor is running fourth in most national polls, behind former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani, former Sen. Fred Thompson, and Sen. John McCain. But he’s got history on his side. Romney has surged in South Carolina polls and now leads the first three state primaries, including Iowa and New Hampshire. In the last thirty years, no Republican has won the first three primaries and lost the presidential nomination. (Although plenty of voters think Romney is no Republican.)
If you’ve seen Romney in a debate, you know he’s got the coiffure of a day-time soap star, the smoothness of a British secret agent, and the integrity of a Decepticon. As a millionaire investment guru, Romney has made a career living on the margin. On the campaign trail, critics skewer him for walking a similar tightrope on issues such as gay rights and immigration. But we knew you wanted to hear from the source, so North By Northwestern sought the Mormon from Massachusetts, himself. Here is the interview, rigged for your pleasure.
NBN: Gov. Romney, thank you for agreeing to speak with North By Northwestern.
Romney: It’s good to be here. I’m honored you chose me out of all the Republican candidates.
NBN: Actually, we called Fred Thompson first, but his secretary said he couldn’t fit us in between Law and Order and his afternoon nap.
Romney: You know, Fred Thompson’s campaign is just like an episode of Law and Order: He can’t go more than 15 minutes without taking a break.
NBN: Oh Mitt, what a perfectly spontaneous quip!
Romney: I’ve prepared more impromptu jokes, if you want to hear them.
NBN: How about Giuliani.
Romney: Let me think for a second. This is completely unplanned. Totally off the top of my head. And speaking of head tops, Rudy Giuliani is just like his lies: dumb, desperate and bald!
NBN: I’d love to do this all day, but we have to get to the policy questions. Gov. Romney, in a debate with Sen. Ted Kennedy in 1994, you said abortions should be “safe and legal.” Now you’re against abortions altogether. What happened?
Romney: Look, I took a pro-choice stance in 1994, but I was never pro-choice. Now I’m taking a pro-life stance, which is truer to my true stance.
NBN: So you’ve always been pro-life, but your position can be stretched to pro-choice?
Romney: It’s a wide stance.
NBN: Sen. Craig advised you well. Speaking of gay rights, in 1994 you wrote a letter to the Log Cabin Republicans that said, “We must make equality for gays and lesbians a mainstream concern.” Now you’re against civil unions. Sounds like you’re going both ways on the issue.
Romney: Again, no inconsistency. As you point out, I advocated for gay rights to swim in the mainstream of American political debate. And now that gay rights are floating in the stream, like the slippery fishies that they are, I feel it’s my duty to spear, gut and devour them entirely. I’m an avid hunter, you know.
NBN: But Gov. Romney, what about health care? You passed a successful universal state system in Massachusetts with increased state spending. Now it seems you are running from that record.
Romney: My Massachusetts record speaks for itself.
NBN: But what if it says things voters don’t like?
Romney: Then I’ll tell the voters they aren’t trying hard enough. I believe in public-private partnerships for health care and message control. My public record will represent itself, until I decide to privatize the point it’s making.
NBN: There’s also this comment you made about illegal immigration. You said Hillary Clinton and Rudy Giuliani were in a “sanctuary state of mind” when it comes to protecting the rights of illegal immigrants. Why didn’t you crack down on similar “sanctuary cities” in Massachusetts?
Romney: You know, over the course of this campaign, I’ve met hundreds of men and women who’ve lost jobs because of illegal immigrants. We have to stop coddling illegals and start speaking their language.
NBN: Spanish?
Romney: No. Force. Nothing says “Stay out!” in the language of force like an impenetrable border wall with machine gun turrets and electronic surveillance. It’s all a part of my platform. Strong borders, to go along with our strong military, strong economy and strong families.
NBN:Strong. I noticed you love to use that word. Your online platform looks like a creatine ad.
Romney: America has lost faith in itself. We need a confidence steroid. As a Mormon, I personally can’t abuse such substances, so the only alternative is to inject myself—into the White House. You see? I am the natural supplement America needs to flex its military and economic strength. There’s strong. And then there’s Romney Strong.
NBN: I wonder sometimes if you’re trying to overcompensate for your flip-flopping with this “strong” rhetoric. For example, even though Guantanamo Bay attracts fewer admirers than Dick Cheney’s smile, you said we need more Guantanamos. How many more?
Romney: Twelve.
NBN: Where would we put all these new facilities?
Romney: It depends. I’m not polling so well in Florida right now. Maybe when I’m president I’ll turn the Tower of Terror in Disney World into the Tower of Terror-Prevention. (Laughs) Oh, look at your face, I’m only kidding. It would make much more sense to just clear out a few miles in the Everglades.
NBN: Speaking of environmental sustainability…
Romney: I don’t want to talk about the environment. I want to talk about Hillary Clinton. Have you seen the Democratic debates? Seven guys with a girl in the middle. You know what I call that?
NBN: Every Mormon girl’s secret fantasy?
Romney: No, a really lame party. If I wanted to hear eight people in agreement fighting with each other, I’d end the campaign and spend more time with my family! Am I right?
NBN: I think we finally found something to agree on. Thank you, Governor. And Happy Thanksgiving.