In Uncorrected, our weekly series, we hunt for the media’s recent misprints — and imagine the possibilities in a world where the errors are reality.
Correction: May 6, 2009
An article on Friday about the uncertainties surrounding swine flu quoted Representative Anthony D. Weiner of New York City incorrectly. In describing the fear gripping people in his district, he said at a House hearing, “You’ll forgive some of my constituents for wanting to get into the fetal position and bathe in Purell.” He did not say “fetal poison.”
– the New York Times Web site
Politicians in New York City are submerged in fear over the H1N1 outbreak. Panic-stricken, they have resorted to trying out a method never used before. Thus far it has not been made available to the general public.
Fetal poison is still in the patent stage, but it’s been shown to be quite effective in fighting H1N1 (or, at the very least, fighting the fear of H1N1) that’s been gripping and asphyxiating politicians everywhere. Perhaps it’s the combination of both fetal poison and Purell that really does the trick.
This miracle medicine is comprised of a very specific chemical breakdown. It’s complication is only mirrored by it’s effectiveness. However, it is clear that this medical breakthrough contains a significant amount of incomplete molecules that react and bond with Purell’s unique formula.
“The chemicals right now are top-secret. It’s very complicated and very precise. We are working hard to get every aspect of this cure exact so that no mistakes are made,” Dr. Mereg Minimo said.
The fetal poison is carefully extracted in a way similar to that of snake anti-venom. You simply take a newly born baby and let him or her drool into a sterilized cup for a while. This is a pretty potent substance obtained through a potentially dangerous practice, but in such cases as these, drastic measures must be taken.
Animal rights activists everywhere are rejoicing at the practices of extracting this cure. It is much more ethical toward the animal world, as opposed to the practices utilized in order to obtain the vaccine.
“We are a populated world, with so many babies born everyday. Maybe if we can just use this to our advantage, we can end up no longer needing this despicable practice of infecting the eggs of hens. If there’s a cure, why create a vaccine?” one anonymous activist said.
However, on the other end, politicians have been receiving criticism about the extraction of fetal poison. It has gotten to the point where Rep. Anthony D. Weiner arranged a meeting with the press and the community in which he attempted to explain and defend the extreme precautions.
Many have already expressed concerns about the ethical questions involved in extracting the fetal poison. Casualties are far from rare among the medical personnel doing the extracting. While babies are immune to such poison, taken in its purest, undiluted form, it proves to be a dangerous drug. Often times, workers will be exposed to extreme conditions, but there is legislation in place to prevent this from happening in the future. He apologized for the actions of his constituents in their eagerness on the subject.
Nonetheless, he has high hopes for this cure, but isn’t sure how well it will be accepted by the public.
“Purell can get to be pretty expensive, but it’s important that no generics are used in this mixture. There’s a precious chemical balance we’ve formulated here,” Weiner said.
Scientists and politicians everywhere anticipate the day in which they can share their discovery with the public and hopefully make a much-needed contribution to today’s rising level of flu-induced fears.
Dr. Minimo, who has been behind the research from its inception, is astounded by the rate at which this method has taken off.
“I can’t believe we actually developed it. I thought no one would believe us and that it would simply turn into another medical mystery. Hopefully it will stay in the right hands and begin to help the public with sensational tragedy.”