Askmen.com did an article a while back listing the ten horniest countries on the planet. How I stumbled upon the article matters not. What does matter is what that list reveals about the foreign relations of each of those countries. Yes, I am making that connection and yes, I am writing about sex in a North by Northwestern politics article. Let’s do this.
You must be asking yourself (or you should be if you’re at all sane): How could anyone compare a country’s sexual behavior and its foreign policy? More importantly, perhaps, is why does it all matter? It seems as though hornier countries tend not to get involved in other people’s biz; they like to keep their junk in their trunks. When was the last time we heard about one of these guys invading a country in the Middle East or taking down insurgencies in Somalia? Is this because they have a lot of fantastic sex? I think so.
Here’s the list of the ten horniest countries:
10. Mexico
The sex: Our south-of-the-border amigo kicks off this list as the tenth horniest country. Most people start doing the deed (or “horizontal tango,” if you will) around 14 to 17 years of age and you’ll easily find hot and bothered Mexicans at any bar or club. As you get closer to California, you’ll find that more men and women can’t wait till marriage; in Baja California, 54 percent of women and 93 percent of men have pre-marital sex. Damn, and I thought Mexico was Catholic.
The politics: It shouldn’t be a surprise that Mexicans closer to the U.S. like to get down more than the rest of the country, seeing as how Mexico’s largest bi-lateral trade partner just happens to be the United States. Business before pleasure, or the other way around? It doesn’t matter in Tijuana where pleasure just happens to be a big (and totally legal) business.
Prostitution: Legal in some cities
9. Switzerland
The sex: About half of all men and all women in die Schweiz lose their v-cards between 14 and 16, and they don’t stop there. About 30 percent of heterosexual men and women have sex two to three times a week (we’re talking matured adults here, so cut them some slack). Oh, and 350,000 Swiss-folk pay for some lovin’ every year. And you thought those Swiss banks were keeping your money safe.
The politics: Do they have any? And no wonder, too. They’re too busy having sex to care about anything. Except for the Pope. Can’t explain that one.
Prostitution: Totally legal
8. Spain
The sex: The key phrase here is “Sexo Azul” — blue sex, a.k.a. Viagra, and boy do they use a lot of it. In 2006, one 80-euro box of the magical pill was sold for every 17 men. That’s about 1 million total. And don’t think that Spaniards mind this at all; in fact, it’s a common conversational topic. There has yet to be widespread complaint from women.
The politics: You could probably count the number of times you heard Spain mentioned in a politically tense topic. Most of what Spain does politically is focused on being European or being North African (with disputes over Gibraltar). When they realized they were wrong about Iraq, they went back to bed (if you know what I mean). And who could blame them? I’m not too sure anyone would venture too far from home if home was where all the amazing sex was.
Prostitution: Totally legal
7. Malaysia
The sex: A country too cooped up for its own good, Malaysia isn’t exactly the place where one would think to find an orgy. In fact, the Malaysian government only recently allowed for sexual education to be taught in school. But get this: Kids start learning about sex at age four. Yeah, they really cannot wait to get down.
The politics: Chua Soi Lek was forced to resign as health minister of Malaysia when DVDs of him in a hotel room having extramarital sex hit the news. Unlike sex scandals in the United States, though, 10 months later the guy became the deputy president of his party. The DVDs were a hit, apparently. Other than that, Malaysian foreign policy is quite boring. Anti-terrorism, anti-Iraq and anti-blaming Malaysia for funding terrorist groups. They listen to the Brits a lot and like getting together with other Southeast Asian and Islamic states to discuss being Southeast Asian and an Islamic state. What else can you expect from a country interested in sex at four years of age?
Prostitution: Legal
6. Italy
The sex: Probably one of the least shocking members of the list, it just isn’t very hard to imagine Italy as a horny country. But would you believe me if I told you that a third of Italians over 60 have sex regularly? Well, they do. And 64.7 percent of young folks want brothels to open up again. Really badly.
The politics: When Mussolini declared Italy a fascist state, most Italians probably didn’t even know what that meant. As Eddie Izzard put it, “They’re into life and football…they’re not fascist!” I can attest to that very statement. When I went to Venice a couple years ago, most Italians couldn’t give two cannolis about politics/foreign policy (seeing that they won the World Cup, I can’t say that I’m surprised). Football, food and sex. La dolce vita, no? Anyway, Italian foreign policy has been trending towards a more involved role, particularly with the U.S. and the EU. They’ve been having some illegal immigration issues with North Africans and are suffering from a weak global economy. But I guess when you’re only having sex a few times a week, you can afford to get involved in a few extracurricular activities.
Prostitution: Legal
5. Poland
The sex:Seven out of ten unmarried Poles admit to sex before marriage, but once they tie the knot, 80 percent of men and only 50 percent of women will admit to it. It bears mentioning that Poland is the home to the Eroticon sex toy festival and the world gangbang record. That latter one should really explain a lot.
The politics: Like pretty much every other country on this list, the Poles don’t venture too far from home when it comes to foreign policy. Other than talking to the rest of Europe and NATO, not too much happens in Warsaw. Except sex toy festivals.
Prostitution: Legal
4. China
The sex: From 2000 to 2008, 5000 sex shops opened up in Beijing. China also hosts a SEXPO where people can check out the latest sex paraphernalia. But they do spread the wealth around: 70 percent of the world’s sex toys are made in China. And need I mention a population of 1.3 billion people? Or can you figure out the connection by yourself?
The politics: This one (and the next one) is an outlier on the list. So far, we’ve had pretty politically reticent countries with very localized foreign policies. China, however, is all over the geo-political map, from trade tensions with the States and nuclear tensions with North Korea to what most of the world would suggest as unethical, amiable relations with Iran. But I’ll make a quick note about both China and its like-minded neighbor at the end.
Prostitution: Illegal
3. Russia
The sex: The thawing of the Cold War was met with a thawing of Russians’ attitudes towards sex. Recent trends have shown that Russians are much more open about doing it and are doing it early. Did the Cold War end because Reagan told them to tear down that wall, or because they felt like sex was more interesting than hemispheric chess?
The politics: Like China, Russia is no stranger to being a big player on the geopolitical stage. They invaded their southern neighbor last summer, for Pete’s sake. They also have a vendetta against the West that always seems to get in the way of Western ambitions, such as missile defense systems or economic sanctions. They also refuse to get rid of Vladimir Putin, who is so damn good at pissing the rest of the world off. They just had to keep him around, even if only for his sex appeal.
Prostitution: Illegal
2. Brazil
The sex: The birthplace of the thong definitely deserves a spot on this list. Who else could come up with the idea of turning four square inches of fabric into an undergarment? Boys start getting down at 12 and girls at 17. (Does that mean what I think it means? I hope not.) I hear that during their annual Carnaval, they do it with the costumes on.
The politics:Brazillian politics has actually been on the up and up as of late. As the only emerging economic power in South America, Brazil has taken front-line stances in almost every geopolitical debate, especially the recent economic meltdown. They’re apparently popular enough with the international community to win an Olympic bid for 2016. Unfortunately for me, this doesn’t fit with the lots of sex = weak foreign policy trend I’ve been going with so far, but you can’t win ‘em all I suppose.
Prostitution: Very legal
1. Greece
The sex: Really? Greece is number one? Frankly I have nothing to say about this. I’m about as shocked as you are.
The politics: I’m still hung up on this “horniest country on the planet” business to even briefly mention politics. Greece really doesn’t do anything other than trying to improve their struggling economy so they can get tighter with the EU (an economy probably struggling from people playing hooky and hooking up). Honestly though, WTF.
Prostitution: Legal
What we can take away from all of this?
All countries on the list are non-interventional in their foreign policies, with the two major (and I mean major) exceptions being our friends China and Russia. Then again, they’re the only two countries on the list where prostitution is illegal. Am I saying that if we want to free Tibet we should get the Chinese government to legalize prostitution? Absolutely not. Correlation is by no means causation, but it is sufficiently interesting.
Why does sex matter? Because how much sex you have affects you psychologically. If someone is affected psychologically, so too are their behavior, decisions and priorities. A society’s behavior, decisions and priorities influence its nation’s politics. Believe it or not, the fact that horny countries tend to behave similarly should be no surprise at all. What does that mean for us (and you, dear sexually frustrated reader)? More sex means more time at home, and that means more time to care about what’s wrong at home. So maybe future generations won’t see another Iraq or Somalia. Just a bunch of sex freaks that care about fixing our problems at home before messing with everyone else’s junk.