Kevin is typing…
Kevin has entered text
…
…
Did you feel that, just there? That pit in your stomach. The nervousness brought on by the “so-and-so has entered text” message on Gchat and the “is typing” message on many other instant messenger services — and followed by nothing. It’s that feeling that is the tip of the iceberg of what I feel could be a whole new branch of sociology.
There is so much to read into the silence after “…is typing.” it can be a dizzying descent into instant messaging madness. Where does one even begin to decipher such a cryptic and foreboding statement?
Let’s begin with context.
A discussion with a group member about a project
The conservation started out casual enough. The two of you aren’t well acquainted. You may have shared a word or two about the piece of toilet paper still delicately attached to your professor’s shoe, but other than that, the two of you are relative strangers. You get the creative juices flowing with a perfectly timed and worded quip referencing how funny that toilet paper thing was. Ice broken. You two are practically best buds. The other groups are filled with awkward quiet kids and conspicuous athletes in sweatpants. You’ve got a leg up on the competition. Now let’s get down to business. You toss some ideas back and forth until you get to a point you feel strongly about, the direction you want the project to go in and…
Your Partner is typing…
Then nothing. It’s already clear this partnership isn’t going to work out. The right partner would have responded immediately with a “TOTALLY” or a more casual “definitely-sauce,” but no, you get a “is typing…” followed by a bone-crushing, I-vehemently-disagree-with-your-stupid-suggestion silence. For all you know, he or she has bowled in hysterical laughter and wet him or herself. It’s over. Just phone this one in. Split up the work. Your partner’s slight hesitation has said more than any animated emoticon could.
Someone you secretly like/love/are infatuated with/Facebook stalk
Oh fuck. Okay, now slow down. Tell me what happened.
So The Silent One doesn’t know you like him or her? And you may have involuntarily let him or her know? But your layered and subtle passes wouldn’t be picked up by radar. How could The Silent One have seen through it? Oh, The Silent One is good. He or she sees through that façade. The Silent One’s got you dead to rights and has already contacted the proper authorities. The silence says it all.
All that work, the downplayed smiles, eye contact filled with near-telepathy, unconscious yet appropriate seat selection in lecture — all gone. Where did you lose it? So smooth. Perfect wording. Then this. You basically proposed. Idiot.
Well, I don’t know what to tell you. It’s all there is plain Gchat. He or she was typing. Then he or she was not.
While the “is typing…” message followed by silence can be a terrifying experience, it is far from socially life-threatening. The problem is social telepathy, putting thoughts into the heads of others and making conclusions based on those implanted thoughts. You don’t know what the other person is thinking, no matter how sure you are that his or her silence means “Meet in the fourth floor, south tower of the library for mind-blowing sex.” No one knows what someone else is thinking, but the person thinking it. That is, unless they say it themselves.
So the next time you are faced with silence and begin to hyperventilate, remember this. How swift are your responses? You’ve begun typing and stopped to think or talk to someone else before. Don’t hold your chatter up to standards you don’t even meet. Give him or her time to reply, and relax.
Okay?
…
Reader is typing…
…
Fuck.