High expectations ruin nearly every American holiday. On Halloween, you need the wildest costume. On New Year’s Eve, you need to kiss someone special at midnight. And on Valentine’s Day, you need to be passionately in love.
This is bullshit.
Like all holidays, the quality of your Valentine’s Day is determined by the caliber of expectations you assign to it. To me, Halloween is a regular night out, but everyone’s in costume. New Years is a regular night out, but everyone’s wearing glitter. Valentine’s Day is a regular day, but everyone throws their relationship status in your face.
Let’s be serious: there’s nothing sexy about a flying baby telling you who to love. This Valentine’s Day, take your pleasure into your own hands. Despite all the expectations, ultimately YOU get to decide whether the day is filled with perpetual sorrow or perpetual orgasms.
Need more concrete suggestions? Find specific ideas under your relationship status:
Single
GIF via Giphy
It’s hard not to think about love on V-Day. Whether you want to be single or not, we all want to be loved. But more than that, we all want to cum our faces off. This Valentine’s Day, pleasure yourself with one of the following methods:
- Buy yourself fancy shit. In true “treat yo self” fashion, the pleasure of a gift can go a long way. Get yourself flowers, chocolate, an Apple Watch, a vibrator – whatever makes you happy.
- Download a dating app. Whether you want to look at pictures of singles in your area, flirt with your matches, or find someone to share a night with, dating apps are an effective outlet. No doubt they’ll be blowing up around Valentine’s Day weekend.
- Read erotic fiction. Diving into a fantasy world is seductive without the risk of the real world. Erotic stories provide you with an exciting situation, desirable partner and tempting romance.
- Eat. There’s fantastic pleasure in a good food. You can even eat a gluttonous meal, and feel no guilt because no one is seeing you naked!
- Be thankful. Being single is really awesome. You are entirely your own person, and you have the freedom to flirt with whomever you please. Relationships are not always as awesome as they may seem. Not feeling thankful? Make a list of all the people you’re glad you’re not dating and you’ll see what I mean.
- Above all else, masturbate, masturbate, masturbate.
In a relationship
GIF via Squarespace
Congratulations, you’ve found someone crazy enough to put your genitalia in their mouth! Keep that magic alive by trying something new with your partner this Valentine’s Day:
- Give bae a massage. This is a great alternative to traditional foreplay because it warms the body slowly and lets you explore your partner’s body in novel ways. Not trained in Shiatsu? No problem. This guide gives a thorough overview of how to give a sensual massage. It’s written for men giving women massages, but the methods apply to all types of relationships.
- Watch An Indecent Proposal. I had the best sex of my life after watching this movie because it made me so horny. Demi Moore is a goddess and her boobs practically play a role of their own. Seriously. The movie teaches you the meaning of true love AND is basically one continuous sex scene so everybody wins!
- Try edible lingerie. Please let me know if it’s anything like this.
- Eat. Like I said, there is fantastic pleasure in good food. There’s also fantastic pleasure in aphrodisiacs like sex dust, chocolate, bananas, salmon and walnuts.
- Change up your routine! V-Day is a perfect excuse to try that thing you’ve always wanted to do (while naked in bed or out in the clothed world). This might be as simple as talking dirty, going out, staying on or even being on top for a change. No matter the technique, novelty is sexy.
That confusing AF grey area
GIF via The Gloss
Are you a friend/lover/fuck buddy/bottom bitch/slam-piece/side-piece? Are you confused? News flash: V-Day won’t be any clearer than any other day.
- Seek pleasure, not romance. Expect things to stay the same, and enjoy wherever that is. Your quasi-committed partner may spend V-Day with you, and they may not. Remember, it’s a regular day with a lot of expectations. Be in control and be careful with your expectations.
- Do it all. Pick activities from either list and relish in your freedom
If nothing else, forget the expectations of Valentine’s Day. Do what makes you happy. Do what makes you feel sexy. Do what makes your toes curl.
Love always,
The Mistress
I'm always happy to answer personal questions, comments or suggestions. Contribute anonymously here or email me here: mistressofmybox@gmail.com.