I believe it was the famed American juggler W.C. Fields who once said, “Never trust a man who doesn’t drink.” And seriously, how do non-drinkers learn? Through sobriety? Yeah, that’s a joke.
In my time at Northwestern, I haven’t learned a thing from my classes except the meaning of life from my Russian Literature professor. And what am I going to do with that? Write a book or something? Don’t think so. Luckily, parties have taught me something I can use on an everyday basis: how to party harder.
So I’d like to impart the knowledge my friends and I have learned while partying. I think it might be useful for you too.
10. Just like a cheap hooker who tells you she’s on birth control when she’s really not, the bottle of Grey Goose that frat boy is holding is actually full of Smirnoff. Don’t worry, no sorority girl will notice. It’s cheaper that way.
9. Throwing a “let’s get written up” party in your dorm room at 10 a.m. does not amuse the administration.
8. If you find yourself at a trivia night in a Chicago bar, you’ll probably beat the crap out of those DePaul graduate students in categories such as the “History of the Dalai Lama” and “French New Wave Cinema,” no matter how intoxicated you may be. You won’t, however, beat them at topics such as “NASCAR” and “Pornography of the 1970s.”
7. If you drink only red wine for the entire night and then throw up, your inebriated friends will think there’s some sort of internal bleeding and attempt to call 911. Assure them that while you’re no internalist, you think you’ll be fine.
6. So you want to get drinks into an outdoor concert that doesn’t allow drinks. As you long as they allow food, the only thing you have to do is bake a glass bottle into a loaf of bread. When the bread is finished baking, fill it with your favorite booze. Seriously, no one checks the bread.
5. No, stumbling into Tech after a night of drinking is not a good idea. It quickly becomes Satan’s maze of hell, a place you won’t escape from until the next morning.
4. Pouring two bottles of Everclear into one cooler of jungle juice is not overkill. It’s smart, conservative thinking. Not only will you use less juice powder, but your guests will be too blacked out after one cup to make enough noise to warrant a neighborly call to the cops.
3. Despite what you may think, the person next to you wants to hook up with someone just as much as you do. If they don’t, they probably live in PARC or Slivka.
2. The Evanston Police do not care if you’re trying to “sleep” at your friend’s kegger, they will still threaten to give you a $500 fine for refusing to cooperate with law enforcement.
1. Drunkenly shouting the lyrics to that new Flo-rida song won’t get you laid at that frat party. Drunkenly shouting the lyrics to a Sondheim musical at a theatre fundraising party will.
So hold these truths to your heart, Northwestern. And remember: Just because you’re paralyzingly intoxicated doesn’t mean you can’t learn something important about yourself too.