North by Northwestern

If you haven’t seen the glorious athletic marketing work from Northwestern, you’re missing out. First, it was “The Franchise,” Anthony Walker. Now, it’s Bryant McIntosh for the dime. But why stop there? We were inspired by these ideas, and decided to offer some of our own (all material copyrighted by NBN Sports).

Hunter “The Punter” Niswander – Will Fischer

Northwestern athletics has used this one before, but there’s an origin story here that needs to be elaborated on. Since he was a boy, Hunter Niswander has only wanted to do one thing: punt. He punted everything he saw – footballs, soccer balls, puppies, even small children. But he needed more.

So Niswander took to the streets under the moniker “Hunter the Punter”, kicking out crime with his powerful right leg. Not many people know this, but in 2008, the Mona Lisa was almost stolen from The Louvre in Paris. Luckily, Hunter the Punter was in the neighborhood, and he thwarted the robbery by punting that baby 40 miles into the French countryside, where the painting landed smoothly in a haystack, unscathed. You know what they say: With great punting, comes great responsibility.

Sanjay Lumpkin’s Pumpkins – Hayden King

Halloween is right around the corner, so be sure not to miss out on the best pumpkin patch in the Chicago metropolitan area: Lumpkin’s Pumpkins. Owned and operated by Northwestern men's hoops’ forward Sanjay Lumpkin, Lumpkin’s Pumpkins is a place where kids of all ages can find a pumpkin for the jack-o-lantern of their dreams.

But beware – being the defensive stalwart that he is, Lumpkin does not take kindly to others holding round orange objects, and will steal them from ANYBODY at ALL costs.

Pumpkins cost $100 each. 95 percent of all profits will go directly into NCAA President Mark Emmert’s pockets, per NCAA policy, and the other five percent pays the salary of the media puppet who came up with this marketing idea. Be sure to stop by Lumpkin’s Pumpkins: Chicago’s Big Ten Pumpkin Patch (actually located 45 minutes outside of Chicago).

“Lauren Clem is on your side!” – Max Goodman

In sixteen games this season, junior goalie Lauren Clem has been nearly impenetrable as the anchor of the Wildcat defense. Thus far she has allowed a mere five goals, registering 62 saves and 13 shutout performances leading NU to their current record of 13-1-2. It’s safe to say that both NU athletes and Wildcat fans know that they can trust their goalie to protect them from anything harmful that comes their way.

So don’t go with Geico or Progressive or any other insurance company that claims to be the best out there on the market. When you need to be protected with top-notch home, auto or life insurance, choose Lauren Clem, because she’s on your side (*cue the jingle*).

Solomon Vault: The Treasurer – Evan Denton

If you want to keep your football safe, you’re putting it in the maximum-security Solomon Vault. Through six games, opposing defenses have been trying to figure out the three-number combination that will unlock Vault’s fumbles, but no one has succeeded yet. In that time, Vault has totaled 446 all-purpose yards on 29 touches, including a 95-yard kickoff return touchdown against Michigan State.

On a Northwestern offense that has been up and down all season — like the stock market — Vault has been a steady investment for the Wildcats, rattling off electric plays when they need it most. If the Wildcats want to make a bowl game this season, they will make sure they put all their deposits into the treasurer’s vault.

Flynn “Bagel” Nagel – Andy Brown

What started with a harmless, witty tweet during last Saturday’s game from current Cleveland Brown fullback/tight end and former Northwestern “superback” (hold up — are superbacks and tight ends the same thing??) Dan Vitale quickly became a movement.

After the sophomore wideout took advantage of heinously broken coverage for a 57-yard score on Saturday, the Einstein Bros. Bagel franchise on Sherman and Clark immediately closed its doors for good, citing “a message from the men upstairs” and “generally poor reviews on Yelp.” In its place now stands a carbon copy replica run by none other than Bagel Nagel himself.

Corporate representatives from Einstein Bros. (who were totally contacted for this story) said they were initially “uneasy” about a college student running their Evanston location, but conceded that after seeing the following tweet, they were convinced that he has all the intangibles needed to “shmear” his opponents, both on the field and behind the counter:

Roderick Campbell(‘s soup): “Mmm, mmm, good!” – Megan Pisarczyk

Roderick Campbell is a freshman defensive back who has played in four games, and while he hasn’t proved himself to be a standout player yet, it’s never too early for the athletic marketing teams to look for new students to latch on to.

There’s definitely potential with all the references that can be made relating his last name to Campbell’s Soup. Think about it: T-shirts with his face and the slogan “Mmm, mmm, good!” and promo videos of him slurping up soup after wins like he’s endorsing the brand. I’d love to see his picture on a soup can and some Andy Warhol-inspired artwork of him to go along with it.

I doubt that any NU marketing campaign will ever beat #BMac4TheDime, but I’m interested to see what they can come up with. If Campbell becomes a notable player for the ‘Cats, this promo seems like a no-brainer.

Ashley Deary: Princess of Thieves? – Tim Hackett

They say Robin Hood stole from the rich and gave to the needy. He cornered his unsuspecting victims and forced them into making bad decisions, before deftly committing some larceny, literally making his opponents pay for their mistakes.

That’s exactly what Ashley Deary does. She’s not quite as malicious, but she is a force to be reckoned with. She forces her opponents into bad decisions with her press, making them pay for their mistakes. Deary led the nation last season with 141 total steals, 4.03 per game, and she often stole from Northwestern’s richest opponents and gave to the Wildcats’ needy offense.

Back this year as a senior and a captain, Ashley “Robbin’ Hood” Deary and her band of merry women are raring to get back into the postseason this year after an underwhelming 2015-16, and her swiping skills will lead the way.