There is no better way to end the holiday season than watching the ball drop on New Year’s Eve. After spending Christmas and Hanukkah with the family and reflecting on times past, New Year’s Eve is about looking forward to the future and making promises to ourselves we know we can’t keep (looking at you, Ke$ha). Of course, no one knows this sort of ineptituide better than America's politicians! What follows is the NBN Broken Promises Politics section's list of resolutions from leading politicians that we know they won’t follow.
Chris Christie
One of America’s most prominent politicians is known for his brash, aggressive style of taking on challengers. The governor you see in this video, however, is not a man who should be reviled or worshiped, but rather one that needs to be consoled and comforted. Christie’s New Year's resolution of attending anger management therapy should help quell some of the vitriol he spews at those who stand in his way. Local resident Adam Sandler might be able to recommend a good specialist who could give him a taste of his own medicine.
John Boehner
The most prominent figure in Congress does not just have a problem with containing his emotions. He also seems to be unable to contain his inner beach bum. That’s right, Boehner’s New Year's resolution will be to stop spray tanning. While this may have certainly been appropriate when he was voted the Sexiest Representative in his first four years in office, it’s now time for this old habit to die. Besides, this now opens the door for the greatest re-election slogan ever: John Boehner – No More Fake Tans, No More Fake Promises.
Mitch McConnell
Now that nobody takes John McCain seriously, it’s time to open the door for a new Maverick of the Senate. I present to you Sen. McConnell’s New Year's resolution: Be Bolder! It’s time for him to take a stand for his fellow family members ... and pass legislation to protect snapping turtles. This will no doubt increase his approval rating among reptiles in Kentucky. Besides, who is to say that when he retires, he won’t be appealing for any hunter?
Barack Obama
With an impending fight over gun control looming, President Obama will show that he can take on just about any issue facing America and put this nation on the right track. Republicans are losing areas in which they can criticize him, as he has fixed our nation’s broken healthcare system, saved the troops in Iraq and stood up for gay rights. However, Republicans are always scheming new ways to deface our president. Obama’s newest concern is his ever-graying hair. However, his New Year Resolution of using Touch Of Gray will immediately put this issue to rest. By combing away just a little grey while not getting rid of it all, the commander in chief will exude experience and energy at the same time! The GOP will never know what hit it ….
John Kerry
Everybody who is anybody knows that John Kerry is a celebrity in the food industry – his wife, Teresa Heinz, is the heir to practically every bottle of ketchup in the world. This obviously makes the soon-to-be-secretary an ambassador of the culinary arts. Mr. Kerry is a well-accomplished man, as a senator and presidential candidate, yet he has not performed an act so bold no man before him has ever attempted. Kerry’s New Year's Resolution is thus: to eat a hot dog with ALL 57 Heinz varieties (don’t listen to the socialists who tell you there are more than 57). While he has come close before, 2013 will be the year he makes every American proud.
