In an astonishing decree, Lord Farquaad announced Friday that he has banned all donkeys from immigrating into Duloc.
The decree comes in the wake of a series of donkey-related disturbances across the land. Hundreds of pigs, ogres, mice and wooden puppet-men complained about having their waffles stolen and getting third-degree burns from errant waffle batter flying in the air and across the street, presumably from a stray donkey’s iron. Pinocchio reported finding a donkey in his brick cabinet in the middle night, eating his waffle stash.
“It was incredibly disturbing. I slaved for hours on hours to make those waffles from scratch,” Pinocchio said as his nose grew longer. “Now it’s gone, all because of those donkeys.”
Lord Farquaad said the final straw came when he found a donkey using his Royal-Sir-Highness-Deluxe-3000 Waffle Maker. The rampant waffle theft has also hurt the Eggo company, a prominent lobbyist on Farquaad’s round table.
“We need to call this what it is: radical donkey wafflism,” Farquaad said. “They are coming here, eating our waffles, destroying our waffle industry, burning us with their cheap batter. I’m sure some are good animals.”
Some pro-donkey activists cautioned that Farquaad was stereotyping and said that donkeys are an integral part of Duloc Society. They said that only a very small percentage of donkey-on-waffle violence has actually occurred. In fact, authorities said they have reason to believe only one donkey is responsible for all the incidents. He reportedly goes by “Donkey.”
“This is absurd,” Harold, a prominent donkey in the health industry, said. “I don’t even like waffles. I’ve spent my entire life trying to get kids to eat fruits and vegetables instead of those disgusting carbs.”
Farquaad, however, wasn’t persuaded. He said he may soon put surveillance in all stables and anywhere donkeys are known to frequent, including swamps.