The air is hot, humid, sticky and utterly vile. Your pores clog with the sweat of a million strangers. Your make-up slides off, your pits get gross – basically, your typical Saturday night out at a disgusting college party.
Leaving isn’t an option, so it’s time to try a few novel methods to coolness.
Goal: Be as scantily clad as possible.
Pricey option: Purchase a crop top or tank top. (Guys, check out MeNBN for some cool tanks.)
Cheap option: Cut one of your numerous free NU t-shirts in half. You’re going for the utilitarian look here. Or just, you know, don’t wear clothes.
Water-powered coolness.
Pricey option: Amazon sells these really cool mini water-misting fans for about ten dollars each. They’re battery-powered and easily portable. All the cool kids in summer camp had them, and trust me – those kids had the most friends in the whole establishment.
Cheap option: Poke a hole through the cap of a plastic water bottle and squirt frequently. Or screw the hole-through-the-cap thing and just drench yourself in water. You’ll probably look excessively sweaty, but so does everyone else there – and you’ll feel cooler, too.
Super cool jewelry
Pricey option: Hot Girls Pearls – pearl bracelets and necklaces that are filled with “the exact amount of nontoxic cooling gel required to deliver a blissful rush of icy cool relief when your temperature hits the high notes,” according to the retailer on Amazon. Designed for pregnant, breastfeeding and menopausal women, this practical costume jewelry comes with an insulated travel bag and ice pack for on-the-go coolness. They do come at a price: $50 for a bracelet and $100 for a necklace. But hey, Whoopi Goldberg endorsed them on The View, so you know they’re worth the money.
Cheap option: Tie ice packs to your wrists. And your neck.
Air conditioned clothing
Pricey option: Japanese company Kuchofuku sells dress shirts with mini fans in the back to pump cool air under your shirt and out the sleeves and collar – but only if you’re willing to pay $100+ for a single shirt.
Cheap option: For about 10 dollars and a lot of tools, you can make your own! Exclusively for the super-handy.
Staying cool in a sauna of sweaty college bros is hard. Prepare correctly, and you may be able to overcome it all – or you’ll just end up being that naked weirdo with ice packs on his wrists in the corner over there.