Watching the Bears game on Sunday, I found myself having to constantly turn down the volume on NUTV and run and hide. It wasn’t because Bad Rex Grossman showed up and the Bears were losing (he didn’t and they didn’t). No, it was because every commercial break, FOX decided to plug their atrocious reality show, American Idol.
I happen to think American Idol is a scourge on this earth. It represents most of what’s wrong with America (if Pat Robertson hosted, it would sweep the table). It brought us Clay Aiken, “Since U Been Gone” and William Hung. It celebrates mediocrity and mockery and single-handedly lowers the collective IQ of our nation. And it does all this behind this Jiminy Cricket “making dreams come true” act in an attempt to blind the viewing audience with more than just Ryan Seacrest’s impossibly pearly whites.
I’ll admit I once got sucked into the show. I followed the saga of Scott Savol, who went to my high school and was something of a hometown hero until his criminal past got exposed and everyone realized that he just wasn’t that good of a singer. And those few episodes I saw were enough to convince me that Idol is this generation’s rock & roll, destroying the fabric of civilization one note at a time.
American Idol kicks off its sixth season on Tuesday, starting, as it always does, with its painfully “hilarious” audition episodes. This is where the truly talent-deprived, tone-deaf and socially inept get their day in the sun. Nothing really seems to get accomplished in these episodes except for a good deal of teasing and dream crushing. I mean, really, do the producers honestly think listening to bad singers is fun? A gawky twenty-something who plays “Dungeons & Dragons” with his mom butchers “Unchained Melody”: LOL. An overweight, acne-scarred girl in moon boots butchers “Unchained Melody”: ROFL. Six more people slaughter “Unchained Melody” to varying degrees: ROFHMESB (Rolling On Floor, Hoping My Ears Stop Bleeding).
So really, the beginning of every season boils down to hours of humiliation. It’s reducing people to tears and ruining pop favorites, all in the name of giving Simon Cowell the opportunity for an accented zinger and allowing Randy Jackson to jiggle in jolly laughter. But for some reason, I don’t find their bullying all that entertaining. It’s just exploitation (feels kind of like Bumfights, but not as illegal).
This brings me to the bullies themselves: the judges. Is there a more stereotypical, whacked-out panel this side of The View?
Simon Cowell: Great, a snotty European. He plays like such a caricature, he might as well guest star on a lame episode of Friends (redundant?). And his curmudgeonly and insensitive shtick is getting a little old. He’s even gone so far as to criticize Bob Dylan. Is no one safe from his wrath?
Randy Jackson: Great, a happy black guy. I’ll stop before moving into edgier territory and just say that he acts like Cedric the Entertainer playing Santa. And who really says “dawg” that much? I don’t think even Snoop pumps out that many dawgs per hour.
Paula Abdul: Great, a whacked-out 80s pop star. She has aggressive mood swings, bawls like a baby and shows up drunk to interviews. Combine that with the Corey Clark affair and she’s a bigger liability in the press than Barry Bonds (and probably equally as drugged up). She’s a lot like Whitney Houston, except without the Bravo reality show. Oh wait.
Once the auditions are over, it’s time for the true “talent” to shine. The finalists trot out week after week to belt out in dramatic fashion some trite pop song that loosely fits an unnecessary theme like “Worst songs of the ’60s” or “Songs that you can fabricate a childhood sob story about.” The performances are all rife with the trademark Idol over-exuberance, which requires holding out one syllable for at least ten seconds while simultaneously changing pitch, as in “Sexual Heeeee-eee-eeee-ee-eee-eeee-eeee-ealing.”
None of the finalists are what I would call “tolerable.” Sure, there are a handful of good performances, but none of the singers can consistently deliver. However, most of them do consistently deliver poorly. And yet they get honored. People drool over their remotes to watch the middling talent, unless they get tickets to the live show, where they cheer and hold up signs like it’s a baseball game. The entire show is an elaborate celebration of mediocrity, adding to a culture where mediocrity has become the new excellence. I mean, we live in a country where the average St. Louis Cardinals won the World Series, Titanic and Chicago won Oscars and Fergie won a recording contract. In this era of YouTube, it doesn’t take much to become an instant celebrity and Idol does nothing to deter this.
And yet this is the number one show in America, a force so scary even Dr. Jack Shephard and the Others had to move to get out of its way. It’s mindless entertainment that appeals to the same vapid viewers that think you have to be smart to win Deal or No Deal. Through this dedicated fan base, Idol managed to pick up more votes in its last season finale than President Bush did in 2004. Seriously. While the vote total for Idol doesn’t discount people who voted multiple times, it’s still sobering to think that more votes were cast for either that Soul Patrol guy or the other girl than our current president.
What do the winners even get? Last time I checked, the most successful Idol alums were Kelly Clarkson, who fled her Idol past and somehow made out with two Grammys; Jennifer Hudson, who failed to make the final round but is now looking at a probable Oscar bid; and Carrie Underwood, whose success is limited to the world of country music. Here’s what the other notables have been up to:
Ruben Studdard: “Sorry 2004,” “Scooby Doo 2”
Fantasia Barrino: Lifetime Original Movie, not reading
Clay Aiken: A Christmas special, denying rumors that he’s gay
Taylor Hicks: Looking for lost love, blogging about his goldfish
Doesn’t sound like what I would want my American Idols to do. It would seem that this whole talent contest thing is a big scam, where the winners get a shot at tepid success and the losers get some kind of immortal fame (when will William Hung go away?!).
So really, what’s the point of watching? Maybe if the next American Idol gets arrested for spousal abuse or serial murder people will finally recognize how awful this show really is. And wouldn’t that be better for society?