North by Northwestern

Put down the bowl and back away from the microwave. You’re in the extreme oatmeal club now, and we don’t mess around with that instant shit. We’re all about the real deal, the old-fashioned oats you can boil, because what’s all that extra fiber worth if you’re drowning it in ingredients you can’t pronounce? Oatmeal should be a wholesome experience, like doing yoga or calling your mom. But it should also be like a Sunday afternoon Netflix binge: fun and guilt-free. So whether you draw inspiration from your favorite television shows or campus snacks, keep reading—you’ll find something that floats your oats.

HOW TO PREPARE THE OATMEAL

A cup may not seem like much, but before you bite off more than you can chew, know that your oats will expand once you get them all hot and bothered with a cup and a half of water on high heat. Add your oats when your water boils, and stir for at least a minute or until all your ingredients have settled at the desired consistency. When it comes to homemade oatmeal, thickness is your prerogative.

THE BREAKING BAD
1/2 cup blueberries
2 tbsp sugar (the crystal kind, duh!)
2 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 cup milk

Fresh blueberries and crystal cane sugar make this breakfast treat better for your soul than Walter White’s blue crystal meth, but it’s just as addictive. OK, so maybe you won’t form a habit, but if you stir in the berries while your oats are hot to get them soft, it’ll be enough to win back the confidence of your skeptical wife and disappointed son.

THE NORBUCKS
1/2 15 oz. can pumpkin puree
1 tsp vanilla extract
3 tbsp brown sugar
1 tsp nutmeg
1 tbsp cinnamon
1 cup almond milk

This recipe is literally everything you could want in the world: a pumpkin spice latte in food form, plus the ambience of Norbucks without the awkward encounters with people you hooked up with and will never speak to again. This recipe is about excess, so plop in some pumpkin and be generous with the whipped cream and brown sugar. Skinny can wait.

THE CRÊPE BISTRO
4 to 5 strawberries or 1 banana
3 tbsp Nutella or peanut butter
1 tbsp powdered sugar
1 shot Grand Marnier (optional)

First, take a moment of silence to remember our favorite fallen campus institution. And then do its legacy proud by doing what it does best: combining fresh fruit and hella Nutella, or peanut butter, whichever is on hand. If you really want to relive the memories and get crazy, go for the shot of Grand Marnier liqueur— it’s crêpe happy hour somewhere, right?

THE RON FUCKING SWANSON
2.5 tbsp maple syrup
3 to 4 bacon strips, chopped

Did we miss the conference where everyone decided to fetishize bacon? Is this the same conference where girls decided the word “moist” was gross? No matter, because the burliest bureaucrat of Pawnee has good taste. His personality may be unsavory, but deep down, Ron is a sweet guy, so honor him with his favorite pig product and two shots of maple syrup.

THE PROMISED LAND
1/2 cup milk or almond milk
1 tbsp honey
1 sliced banana
Walnuts and raisins as desired
1 scoop protein powder (optional)

Milk and honey are the only ingredients promised in the book of Exodus, but why stop there? Chop up some banana slices and throw in some walnuts and raisins for the road and you’ll be saying “holy trail mix!” in no time. For a twist, add in some almond milk, and use its non-dairy sweetness to cover up the protein powder. After all, parting the Red Sea can be hard work.