You know those days where it’s raining, you’re coughing so hard people swerve to avoid you, someone steals your umbrella in Norris while you inadvertently skip your group project meeting (for the second time), and next you realize you have a midterm you didn’t know about tomorrow on top of a quiz and a paper? Well, that was my day. And of course, as it always is, that was all on top of the usual no-time-for-laundry mode, except that I’ve been in that mode for the past few weeks, and I’m currently transitioning from underwear to swimsuit bottoms and wearing mismatching wool hiking socks that reach halfway up my calves.
I decided I’ve had enough. Enough surprise midterms; enough unearthing semi-kind-of-sort-of-clean outfits through the exhaustive process of excavating my small but growing laundry mountain. I’m sick and tired of watching everyone else have their shit together, while I am perpetually running through Evanston, backpack a-bouncing and Solo cup of Special K a-sloshing, late as always to catch the Metra to my 9 a.m. class in Ravenswood. It’s just hard to handle anything well when you’re wearing bikini bottoms beneath your pants, so I’ve decided to get my shit together. In doing so, I thought I’d write a guide so that that you too can be the envy of all those kids with mismatched socks who are late to class. Here’s how.
- Eliminate your friends. If your friends are like mine, they may be systematically trying to decrease your level of success, solely so they can outperform you. Signs of this include, but are not limited to: frequent invitations to lunches and dinners, which often exceed a 15-minute time span with idle chatter; calls asking you to join in on picnics and power hours; and including you in plans to go camping all weekend long. These are all naught but thinly veiled attempts to sabotage your efforts on what really matters — homework. If you want to be successful (and success can be measured only on a grade-point-average scale), you must react immediately, with adamant decisiveness. Do not be fooled when they tell you to bring along your course packet, saying they have lots of work, too. What they really mean is that they’ve already finished all their homework and want to prevent you from doing the same. They will spill ketchup, beer and mud on your precious readings, and all will be ruined. If this is often a problem, or if you have a tendency to value your friends a bit too highly, do not even pick up the phone. Better yet, delete your contacts altogether. Your GPA will begin to rise with every friend you shake off your back — guaranteed.
- Refine your anal personality. The only way to make it to all your meetings is to meticulously plan each and every day, minute by minute. Spontaneity is unacceptable and should be cut out of your lifestyle accordingly. Unless an event, conversation or meal is written into your hourly planner at least one week in advance, you should not participate under any circumstances (no exceptions). An impromptu meal at 6 p.m. could easily run over an allotted 15 minutes per meal, in which case it could conflict with your important daily activities like “third read-through of Absolutism, Revolution, and Democracy in the Middle East” at 6:15 or God forbid, run all the way into “spell-check class notes” at 6:40. The dangers of spur-of-the-moment philosophies are quite evident, and extreme caution should be taken to avoid such a threatening mindset.
- Abstain from showers, laundry, housekeeping and exercise. These superfluous activities do not contribute to earning high grades and should be systematically excluded from your routine based on the fact that they detract from the time you have to spend on homework and studying. Such wasteful, pointless diversions should be looked down upon in others, and participating in them will decrease your success and well-being.
- Eliminate all unnecessary communication. The only way to achieve pure concentration is through the deletion of your Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter and e-mail accounts. These tend to be distracting and should not be tolerated. Similarly, do not ever waste a moment talking in person to people if it is not directly benefiting your grade. Chatting with custodians, chefs, taxi drivers or people you meet around campus is an incredible drain of productivity. Imagine the wonders of a world without communication! The amount of time saved would be incredible. You can get close to achieving such a utopia by refusing to communicate by any means other than stamped and enveloped letters. This will reduce all unnecessary correspondence and foster a clean, distraction-free aura, which is the first step to a perfect GPA and thus world peace/domination.
- Refrain from getting “involved”. IM sports, volunteering and writing columns are all examples of useless involvement that does not contribute constructively to anything of importance. Having fun, helping people and gaining practical experience do not bolster your GPA, and grade points don’t grow on trees, you know. If you’ve already made the foolish mistake of involvement, it’s not too late — you can always get uninvolved. Quit the team, stop showing up to the homeless shelter and become so unreliable that you don’t even have to break up with the campus publication you work for — let them break up with you. Once you’re free of all of these commitments, you’ll finally be independent and free to focus on things that really matter.
Have you already begun to feel it? The buzzing sensation of perfection, of a 4.0 grade point average and admittance to the exclusive Dean’s List Club (which I hear throws great parties)? If not, alas, you may be doomed to be known as the kid who wears swimsuits in lieu of underwear. Shame. But hey, it’s supposed to near 80 degrees this weekend — if you make it to the beach, at least you’ll be prepared for something.