Northwestern sports are fickle by nature. It's very tempting to look past the mediocre present (in some sports) and look forward to a bright future. Luckily for us, each NBN Sports writer was recently bequeathed with a magical time traveling DeLorean that runs on fairy dust rather than plutonium. So we all went five years ahead to see what the future has in store for the Wildcats. Unfortunately, some of us traveled to alternate dimensions, so some of the tales we brought back to the present conflict with each other, and we can't verify which sequence of events match up with our home dimension. But regardless, brace yourselves, 'Cats fans: our foresight is 2020.
Football by Andy Brown
It’s tough to conceptualize the Northwestern football program’s fall from grace. Just seven years ago in 2013, this team made school history, winning a bowl game for the first time since the Cold War era. Heaven knows we’ve been reminded of that every year with the advertisement that still runs during every televised sporting event, which showcases the university’s crowning achievements, from Nobel and Pulitzer Prizes all the way to “2013 Gator Bowl.” But after seven straight 5-7 seasons with no assistant coaching turnover (Coach Fitz bolted to Notre Dame last offseason after Brian Kelly was fired for going for two in 11 straight games and subsequently failing an emergency university-sanctioned basic arithmetic test), it’s beginning to feel like the ‘Cats will once again have to wait about 64 more years before their next day in the sun.
After four straight last-second losses at the end of 2015 and an absurd slew of upper body injuries in 2016 that sidelined 20 first-string players for at least seven games, the wheels officially came off the wagon. During the 2016 season, construction on the ballyhooed lakeside practice facility was further delayed until 2023, causing several players to jump ship out of disgust.
“The promise of that facility was literally the only reason I came here,” junior quarterback Clayton Thorson said. “And uh … this is tough, but I will be taking my talents to South Illinois, to join the Southern Illinois Salukis.”
Although the future is bleak, the alumni base and student body are confident that this year, the right pieces are in place to make a run at the Zaxby’s Heart of Dallas Bowl. If anybody can win over a fanbase by achieving slightly more than crippling mediocrity, it’s new head coach Lane Kiffin.
Women’s Basketball by Jason Mast
After 13 years and 750 wins, women’s basketball coach Joe McKeown is leaving Northwestern in 2020. McKeown will switch over to the men’s game and take retiring Coach Mike Krzyzewski's coveted seat in Duke. Rumors have swirled for years that Coach K might name his former assistant, Northwestern men’s basketball coach Chris Collins, as his succesor, but Krzyzewski indicated he was overwhelmed by McKeown’s résumé.
“You just look at what he’s done with that team, particularly with how he trained Coffey and Deary,” Coach K said in an exclusive interview with NBN. “That’s something men’s basketball needs.”
Under Coach McKeown, the Wildcats reached six consecutive NCAA tournaments and from 2015-2020, including four elite eight and the legendary 2017 championship game run. Behind seniors Coffey and Deary and McKeown’s never-before-seen inverted triangle defense, the ‘Cats pummeled their way through Notre Dame, Tennessee and into a championship matchup with UConn. Though the Huskies won on a controversial out of bounds call, Coffey’s performance vaunted her into the first round of the WNBA draft and Deary’s 30 steals set an NCAA tournament record.
I’m in the stands at some massive arena. I’m not sure where, but it’s definitely not Welsh-Ryan, and there's a Final Four logo on the court. We're playing against Duke. But wait, who's that in front of the Blue Devils bench? It can’t be. I never thought he would just leave us like that.
How could you, Coach Fitz?
But everything’s fine because our team’s pretty stacked. After Byrant McIntosh, Vic Law and Scottie Lindsey all tore their ACLs in what the team described only as “rock-pounding incident,” they’re back a for a fifth year.
McIntosh continued his development as one of the best distributors in the Big Ten and is averaging almost 10 assists a game. Vic Law turned down the temptation of the NBA Draft for another shot at a national championship and Lindsey’s ban was lifted after investigators found no evidence that he was, in fact, playing in “moon shoes.”
The ‘Cats are down by one with second left and Vic Law has the ball. He finds McIntosh who drives along the baseline and kicks it out to a wide-open Lindsey on the perimeter. The three ball goes up and the crowd rises to its feet.
You're going to have to wait until 2020 to find out if the shot goes in.
Women’s Lacrosse by Jeremy Layton
JUN 01, 2020, EVANSTON, ILLINOIS — In a landmark decision, Northwestern University officials unveiled plans to build a new, multi-million dollar lacrosse stadium and practice facility to the Lakefill. In order to accommodate space amidst all of the other new construction, Evanston officials have agreed to expand the Lakefill by a mile and a half, a project expected to be completed by 2027.
This decision comes just two weeks after Northwestern’s women’s lacrosse team secured their fourth national championship in the last five years, and their eleventh since 2005. Since Duke, Johns Hopkins, Wake Forest, SUNY-Binghamton, Borough of Manhattan Community College and Evanston Township High School joined the Big Ten in 2017, Northwestern has a record of 37-5 in conference play.
When asked for comment, head coach Kelly Amonte Hiller said, “It’s about damn time.”
In other news, due to the Lakefill construction, Mayfest announced that Dillo Day will be relocating to Schaumburg, Illinois, and will be headlined by rapper-turned-politician Lil B. Wristbands will cost $175, but Mayfest will offer complimentary Uber rides to all students.