Fifty shades of purple
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    Interested Northwestern students no doubt reeled after the news that Charlie Hunnam had dropped out of his role as Christian Grey in the Fifty Shades of Grey movie, citing his “immersive TV schedule” as the reason for his departure. As devastated fans clutched each other, weeping over what might have been, a few of the more adventurous Northwestern students suddenly felt a glimmer of hope – what if this was their big break? Here are a few campus personalities you could see cracking a whip on the silver screen.

    The pre-med who’s never seen the outside of Tech
    He decided it’s just easier to live in an abandoned Tech classroom than try to go home between the constant barrages of midterms – let’s be real, no one will ever find him anyway. But Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele’s epic love is the only reason this student still believes in hope, and he might just be ready to feel sunlight again. However, all he’s done this quarter is study neurochemistry and molecular biology – can he even speak English anymore? Luckily, he doesn’t need to relearn it to play Christian. The author, E.L. James, doesn’t mind mangling the English language, either. All he really needs to know how to use handcuffs. The only problem is, when was the last time he showered?

    The hermit professor
    Every department has one. He mysteriously appears in the doorway right before class, and when you zip up your backpack to go, you look up to realize he’s already left. He’s not actually enigmatic – he’s just got one chapter before the end of Fifty Shades Darker, and he might start crying right now if he doesn’t find out if Christian survives the helicopter crash (Yes, Fifty Shades does have a plot. Kind of. It’s really just filler between sex scenes.). Now that the role of Christian is open, he can’t stop thinking that, no, he’s not too old to step into the Red Room of Pain and play the heartthrob of millions of women’s misplaced fantasies. He’s already practicing: Instead of torturing you with neckties and chains, he’s got a lecture on the Revolutionary War.

    The Willie the Wildcat wannabe
    Only the best of the best can wear Willie’s illustrious and furry jersey, and not everyone makes the cut. For students denied the chance to do pushups with the Northwestern University Marching Band, playing Christian is obviously the next logical option since neither Willie nor Christian can talk – and you know what they say about big paws. Then again, not very many people write erotic fan fiction about school mascots – but they definitely like to write about Christian Grey in the dark corners of the Internet. And when even mainstream Internet sites get this deranged, it’s nothing to shake your keys at.

    The girl you only ever meet in the bathroom
    Now that Charlie Hunnam left the picture, how long before Dakota Johnson figures out Fifty Shades will kill her career? When she does, this girl is waiting. The only time you ever see her is late at night in the dorm bathroom. She always stands two sinks away, and your eyes always awkwardly meet in the mirror, but you never actually talk. “Does she even go here?” you wonder as you slink away to sleep. Or, as Christian might obsessively wonder, "Is she eating enough?" Does she have a life outside the bathroom? Does she have hopes and dreams beyond soap and shaving cream? She does, and they’re all about playing an utterly personality-less doormat.

    Chet Haze
    He’ll have no problem with Christian’s penchant for dirty talk – in fact, he’ll do it in freestyle rap that may or may not be totally stolen. Want more proof? He’s on record saying he “wants to do it like they do it on the big screen.” Unfortunately for this Northwestern personality, Hollywood ultimately chose to go with almost-kinda-semi big name Jamie Dornan, of Once Upon A Time fame. However, hopefuls shouldn’t despair yet. After the move inevitably fails – because there’s no way to make it not porn – there’s always Fifty Shades of Grey: A Northwestern Theater Production to look forward to. As Christian Grey always says, “Laters, baby.”

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