Disclaimer: If you are this kid, don’t get offended. Pick up some tips and maybe everyone will hate you a little bit less.
He walks in to your lecture wearing a button-down that fits in all the right places. He pulls out the chair right next to you, sets down his backpack. Your heart skips a beat. Smooth skin, big brown eyes, great smile. You imagine your future together. Then, he opens his mouth.
We attend a school that houses and contributes to the knowledge of numerous talented young people. I acknowledge this. I have met some of the most extraordinary people since I arrived here a little over one year ago. However, I’d be lying if I told you that I haven’t sat through lectures in which I have felt the urge to do terrible things (not sexually) to classmates that have exhibited their fair share of arrogance. I’m sure you have too (though I’m not going to speak on your behalf about the sexual thing). I’ve enclosed some tips to help you identify, or identify with, some of the most common characteristics of “that kid.”
Completely Irrelevant Question Kid:
“In the year 2094, during the process of star formation, approximately how much time does it take, in seconds, for the core to counter gravity if it’s temperature only reaches 9,987,999 degrees Kelvin? In Spanish? Backwards?”
Honey, no one understands what you are asking. Will this information ever pertain to you at any point in your life? If you do happen to feel strongly and have great passion regarding your absurdly intricate question, go to office hours; you’re making everyone upset.
Will This Question Be on the Quiz? Kid:
“Will this question be on the test? What about this one? And this one? And this one that you didn’t ask but I’m inferring will be on the exam?”
You’ve asked it once. You’ve asked it twice, okay. Again? You’ve got to be kidding. If it’s said in lecture, it’s fair game on any assessment. I appreciate the sentiment and understand you may be trying to help your fellow classmates, but ask it one more time and it’s safe to infer that the exam won’t be your only problem in the class.
Overzealous Hand-Raising Kid:
Enough said.
We assume you know the answer. We see your hand. Everyone does. I am sincerely sorry that no one is calling on you, because you know the answer. Wait, do you know the answer? I got completely distracted by the way you have been frantically waving your hand back and forth for the past forty-five seconds. Give your arm a rest, bud. We’ll let you get the next one.
I’m Smarter than the Professor (and Your Mother) Kid:
“Can you prove that, Professor? My extensive research as an eighteen-year-old college student straight out of high school is suspicious of your knowledge on the subject at hand.”
Dude, I’m sure you’re brilliant and graduated first in your class. And believe me, I know that professors make their fair share of mistakes during lecture. But, in all actuality, his B.A., Ph.D and MBA are likely more credible than your 11th grade AP U.S. History class. So, shut your mouth, open your ears and expand your horizons.
I Think I’m Whispering But I’m Really Not Kid:
“Can you believe she even asked that question? It’s so stupid it doesn’t even warrant an answer. Is she even in the right classroom? I mastered that concept in eighth grade.”
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU. I’m truly sorry that I answered the previous question incorrectly. I understand it now. I just needed a little more time. If you feel the need to feed your superiority complex with snarky comments, quiet down. Or text, gchat, or Facebook message your friend about how dense I am regarding X-bar theory.
If you had no difficulty identifying with three or more of the aforementioned faux pas, chances are you are that kid. Just kidding.
But seriously.