As they say, Dillo Day is a marathon, not a sprint. But with every Northwestern student trying to pack into the campus's personal Christmas, should we really be saying Dillo Day is more like a decathalon, not a sprint? Like any feat of strength, the key is preparation. So read up on how you can do Dillo, not let Dillo do you.
Power napping
By Daniel Hersh
You’re a couple (or maybe a dozen) shots in by 10 a.m., so you feel great at noon. But by two, you’re on the downswing. You have no choice but to nap. The nap-and-rally is vital during the Dillo Day festivities. But first, you have to choose a prime location. Now this might be the most difficult part of the whole process because it requires some good judgment – and that’s something all the vodka you just drank makes it rather difficult to do. I suggest North Beach. That way, you can kill two birds with one stone – tan and nap at the same time. Genius.
But one word of more advice: beware of the bird poop. Once you get up you’ll not only feel energized, but you’ll be perfectly bronze, attracting mates left and right. You won’t be able to fend them off fast enough, all because of your prime napping location. So do Dillo Day right: drink, nap-and-rally and have the time of your life.
Swimming to the Lakefill
By Andrew Simpson
It happens every year. And now that the wristband policy has been changed, it's only likely to happen more and more. Like a scene from Creature from the Black Lagoon, drenched high schoolers emerge from Lake Michigan and clamber their way over the rocks to reach Dillo Day. For out of shape kids like us, this is the ultimate challenge of DillOlympics.
First, you have to cross the 500 feet of frigid water separating the Lakefill shore from either of the beaches. With a BAC anything above 0.000, it might as well be swimming a mile, but it’s doable.
After the swim, you have the climb up the boulders. It should be self-explanatory why this is difficult, but I’ll explain it anyway with a cute gif: Wet rocks are slippery. The most difficult part of this event is probably the few hours you have to wait for slimy, muddy lake water to evaporate off of your clothes. In the mean-time, you could probably do a mean sprinkler.
(Disclaimer: Seriously, just don’t do it. Convince your friends to do it, record them and post their misery on the internet. You’ll stay warm and technically beat them to the festivities.)
Beer pong
By Shannon Lane
Ah, beer pong. The great American frat party pastime. On Dillo Day, beer pong becomes the game of the true sportsmen (and women). It provides the perfect opportunity to be an excellent beer pong player: day drunk. There's an art to being just intoxicated enough that you transform into an expert marksmen: not drunk enough and you're just an idiot throwing ping pong balls at red Solo cups; too drunk and your partner will absolutely hate you.
The key to dominating the pong table is being a good partner and getting a good partner. Only committed doubles teams can ever reach the pinnacle of their sport, and beer pong is no different. Next, use all the tools at your disposal. That includes heating up, behind-the-back shots and any means of distraction you're willing to leverage. These strategies will help you score continuously and psych out your unsuspecting opponents.
No matter what anyone says about beer pong, it's all about the W.
Running from police
By Jasper Scherer
It was bound to happen to somebody.
In your drunken state during the excitement of Dillo Day, you did something stupid, and now the cops are chasing after you.
Whenever I've encountered a situation like this (read: never), I imagine someone like Venric Mark in hot pursuit. It’s unlikely the cop chasing you has a 4.4 40-yard dash time (if so, give up), but it certainly helps to pretend.
Parkour skills could also come in handy, as would the ability to withstand tasing. But if you’re not blessed with superhuman ability or the speed of a D-I student-athlete, never fear. Given the athletic ability of cops these days – or lack thereof – your biggest challenge could actually be finishing that bottle of Skol.
(Another disclaimer: You're probably better off not running from the police as they can very well arrest you for evading the police if they actually catch up to you.)
Drunk wrestling
By Ben Sanders
I’ve always considered myself a bit of a wimp when it came to fighting. I wasn’t one of those kids who loved to wrestle with his friends, and when I found myself in a physical confrontation I usually did whatever I could to get out of it. The only time I ever messed around was with my younger brother. When we did, my dad would say to me, “Ben, come on, you’re not good at fighting, what are you doing?” Thanks, dad.
Dillo Day could be the time when all us pacifists let down our guard and agree to a little bit of rough housing with our friends, or that guy during the 2 Chainz performance who is being a total dick, making you want to put a middle finger up to the competition. So if you’re going to get into a drunken tumble, you might as well win, right?
In all seriousness, though, don’t go looking for a fight on Dillo Day. I mean, you’re already doing enough damage to your liver. Why put yourself in more harm's way? But if you do wind up tussling, remember one thing and one thing only: You can fight dirty and you better win.