Disclaimer: This article is mildly sarcastic.
Lonely college students who identify across the spectrum of sexuality can all agree on one thing: sex is complicated, and people are disappointing.
If I had a dollar for every time a friend lamented to me about paying $6 for an Uber to a booty call’s apartment only for sex to end before they finished, or a hookup confusing the geographical coordinates of the G-spot with the labia, I’d be rich enough to name a Northwestern building after myself (move aside, Ryan family).
What’s a ‘Cat to do when they’ve hit their limit of failed orgasms and messages left on read? Consider a period of celibacy, of course. Think about all the time and energy you waste on seeking and having sex: mindlessly scrolling through Tinder, cringing at the thought of approaching your crush at a party, etc. Now imagine using that time productively and totally to your benefit. Below, find some fun and wholesome ideas to fill up your planner!
Start a journal
There are endless scientific studies that tout the power of journal keeping. Some of the world’s brightest minds, like C.S. Lewis or Virginia Woolf, have admitted to jotting down their daily thoughts. Journaling increases self-awareness and promotes thankfulness. Instead of daydreaming about having your way with your lab partner in the depths of Tech, consider starting a bullet journal where you can track your daily water intake. Will a 20 minute romp with Todd in LR3 clear your skin, increase your alertness and hydrate your skin like the magic of H2O? No. Also, think about how satisfying it would be to write in sparkly blue ink about how awful your ex was in bed – they’ll never know.
Make overnight oats
Replace the taste of sloppy, beer-breath kisses that typically accompanies casual sex with the delicious flavor of overnight oats. Paul Blart, infamous movie mall cop, once said that pie “fills the cracks of a broken heart.” I’d like to think overnight oats have the same effect for broke college students with no easy access to pies (or baking utensils). Overnight oats are a delicious breakfast treat of milk, oats, yogurt and any combination of toppings you’d like to add. All you have to do is combine the ingredients and refrigerate. Extra bougie points if you make the oats in a mason jar that you can bring with you to your 9 a.m. lecture. See some great recipes here.
Learn how to knit
Take a cue from Season 2 Meredith Grey of Grey’s Anatomy. According to The New York Times, knitting enhances self-esteem and provides a sense of purpose. Knit a nice sweater for yourself since it’s still 50 degrees or colder in the middle of May. Perhaps a nice chastity belt, since you’ve sworn off sex for the time being.
Call your grandparents
Instead of seeking love and validation in bed with a Tinder match, give your good ol’ grandparents a call. Grandparents always find phenomenal ways to boost your ego, whether it’s reminding you how proud of you they are for attending college or insisting that you get your good looks from their side of the family. You’re not going to think about dirty time when you’re listening to your grandma recount stories of her youth in Brooklyn or recount the details of her last physical therapy session.
If you really can’t stop thinking about making the beast with two backs with someone, just be safe. Use protection – not just for your and your partner’s private areas, but also for your heart. Sex is much more enjoyable when there’s a mutual attraction, trust and respect between you and your partner.