Am I a total geek? I might be.
Not many people know this about me, but I went to Nerd Camp three years straight. That’s not the official name for it, it was actually called John Hopkins Center for Talented Youth, a three week program where middle and high school students could take college-level classes over the summer. But I preferred my own affectionately dubbed nickname to it’s mortifyingly pretentious title. I was in no way actually talented; no one would ever call getting a slightly above average score on the SATs in middle school a talent unless you attended the most boring talent shows ever as a kid.
No, this was just a camp for kids who either actually liked learning at that age (me, although this died the first day of 9th grade) or had Asian parents with high expectations that pressured them into taking the SATs early for practice (also me). This was also a camp where flashlights were prohibited so that the campers couldn’t read under the covers after lights out and Magic: The Gathering trading cards had to be banned along with Pokémon and Yu-Gi-Oh! because of conflicts in the past. Kids were explicitly told to leave their nun chucks at home. Yes, this was indeed Nerd Camp. I will preface this by saying that I have never been, and never will be, cool, but I wasn’t nerdy enough for nerd camp. I didn’t get the obscure references that would come up between people there. I didn’t read Nietzsche or Kafka when I was 14 (and admittedly still haven’t). And I embarrassingly couldn’t tell the difference between a Charizard and a Squirtle. Sure I loved Harry Potter, but I didn’t live for Harry Potter. But I loved Nerd Camp. I begged my parents every year to let me return. Despite feeling left out, all of the die-hard nerds were way cooler to me than any of the popular kids at my school, and secretly I really wanted to be one of them.
Being at Chicago Comic and Entertainment Expo was like being at Nerd Camp. People were in cosplay of their favorite comic book/Fantasy or Sci-Fi TV show/[insert “geeky” obsession here], and like Nerd Camp, it was a safe environment for everyone to be themselves because they were around like-minded people. But I couldn’t help thinking, this is just like camp: Everyone is out-nerding me. Most of the cosplayers went way over my head. I’d look at a girl with skin painted green in a dark green leotard and horns fixed on her head, and think, "I am way over my head. Do I even belong here? Will I fit in?" I kept having flashbacks to Nerd Camp. But then I realized, this was a three day convention with thousands of strangers you will never see again. Who cares? When I saw cosplayers from things I loved like Avatar the Last Airbender, Legend of Korra, Adventure Time and Lord of the Rings to name a few, I geeked out anyway and ran up to take a picture with them, because even if I wasn’t a die-hard fangirl, why did it matter, and why did I care? I took dozens of pictures with characters from shows and movies I love, though admittedly don’t obsess over. I met Natalie Dormer from Game of Thrones even though I dispassionately abandoned it mid-Season Two, because why the hell not?
I’ll probably never fit into nerd culture completely, but then, who does fit in completely? Ever? In any context? In fact, thinking I didn’t “fit in” at Nerd Camp was a complete contradiction, because we were just a bunch of people who didn’t fit into normal society anyway. But regardless of whether there is a nerd culture or not, there may be hope for me yet. As I my roommate and I bought keychains referencing one of our favorite animated television shows, Avatar: The Last Airbender, I had what can only be called “a total geekout.” We ceremoniously put on our keychains together, and as soon as they were on I immediately yelled out “WE’RE SO COOL.” And that moment, despite whether I actually was or not, I felt like a total geek, and that’s all that mattered.