It has happened to the best of us. You’re walking along Sheridan Road, minding your own business, when your text tone begins to play. You dig through your pockets to retrieve your cell phone, and there it is.
You never know when it’ll strike: the unsolicited “dick pic.”
In recent years, the dick pic has evolved from solely plaguing our text messages and taken on more advanced forms of social media: no Snapchat is safe, no Facebook message secure. This makes the elusive dick pic all the more dangerous: There is nothing more embarrassing and terror-inducing than opening up a Snapchat and proudly displaying to everyone behind you in your crowded 300-person lecture, the penis of your gentleman caller; or worse, some rando whose name you maybe thought you recognized.
Now, penis owners of Northwestern, I know that not all of you are the perpetrators of this heinous crime, but should you wish to participate, there are rules to be followed.
1. Get consent.
I know that sometimes your penis may amaze you with how pretty it looks on a random Wednesday morning at 10 a.m., but that is not enough reason to share it with the world, or that girl from your orgo lab you’ve been crushing hard on.
Before sending your dick’s glamour shot, make sure you’re sending it to a party that has not only expressed a prior interest in receiving these pictures, but also expressed this openness within a recent frame of time. Just because they were into it at 2 a.m. in the safety and privacy of their room does not mean they are interested in checking out your junk in the light of day.
I’ve never experienced something quite as disturbing as being on the phone with my little sister and randomly realizing there was a picture of a penis on my ear. That could have all been avoided if he had simply asked before he sent.
2. Every partner is different.
Just because your past hook-up/girlfriend/boyfriend was turned on by a picture of your junk does not mean future partners will be, as well. Get to know what the person you want to send a picture to likes. For some, pictures might do the trick; for others, it might make their private parts close up shop and fly south for the winter.
3. Don't expect anything in return.
Just because you’re ready to get down and dirty with your cellphone camera doesn’t mean your partner will be just as willing (or able). If you want to share your goods, go for it (provided you follow these guidelines) but do not pressure your partner to do the same. Sending a picture is under no circumstance a guarantee for one in return.
In that same vein lies perhaps the most important lesson you can take away from this: sending a picture of your penis is not your one-way ticket to Poundtown. Regardless of your relationship with the person on the other end, their passive act of receiving a picture of your penis does not mean they will physically be down to receive it simply because you graced them with its likeness. Giving consent to receive a picture is not the same as giving consent for the physical act.
At this point, if you’ve taken all of these guidelines into account, you may proceed to capture your penis in all of its grainy, poorly lit, cellphone camera glory. But please, give us some perspective. A close-up penis selfie is definitely not the best way to display your goods. Include at least a sliver of the rest of your body, so we can verify your existence as a human being and not just a male reproductive organ. Please and thank you.