13 sad, sad ice cream flavors to smother your Valentine's blues

By Josh Sim, Shaunacy Ferro

5:59 p.m. Feb. 13 2011

All we want is some ice cream sad enough to match how we’re feeling. Photo by danoxster on Flickr. Licensed under Creative Commons.

As two single people on Valentine’s Day, we’re tempted to crack open the proverbial Ben & Jerry’s tub in private while couples roam the night. And trust us, we would — but those flavors are just too happy. Why not offer some ice cream stylings that approximate how we feel? Here are a few suggestions.

13. Swirlin’ Singles

All of your friends might be out enjoying candle light dinners, but you’re at home, diving into raspberry swirls and white and dark chocolate chunks. Party in your mouth!

12. Douchebag Crunch

Is your boyfriend spending Valentine’s with his other girlfriend? Take a bite out of these tough cookies!

11. Midterm Marzipan

Stuck studying on Valentine’s? All the spice you need to get you through those stats notes.

10. Forever Alone Cone

It’s okay if you don’t believe in love, as long as you believe in caramel and marshmallow swirls. Your heart is so cold you won’t even need to refrigerate! Feel free to share with your cats.

9. Doughs of Despair

Yes, the chocolate chip cookie chunks WILL make you feel better about your eternal loneliness. If you’ve got the best ice cream, I’m sure your soul mate will come find you.

8. Long Distance Relation-shit

Skype together while enjoying a big ole bowl chocolatey-fudge goodness. It’s okay if you both get fat, right?

7. Revenge is a Bitch

The perfect gift for any ex-lover, this delicious swirled concoction is laced with a subtle laxative. They’ll polish off the pint, then truly have a night to remember.

6. Nightcap Nookie-Cookies

What’s a late-night booty call if you’ve got no booty? Eat more ice cream.

5. Marmalade a Trois

So she cheated on you with one guy? Return the favor in spades. With a pair.

4. Rocky Relationship

Co-dependence has never tasted so sweet.

3. Chubby Ex-Hubby

In honor of that fat mess that you should’ve left sooner, this baby has every vice you need: chocolate, fudge, cookie dough, and a healthy topping of caramel. It’s OK, though; snack-attack this and you’ll still look better than him.