The year was 1906 and masturbation was everywhere. During this crisis, John Harvey Kellogg (whose generous nephew, also John, is the namesake of Northwestern University’s Graduate School of Management) invented a new cornflakes cereal product, which in addition to being part of a wholesome breakfast, was meant to discourage all sexual activity.
A licensed doctor, Kellogg noted many signs that masturbation was occurring including insomnia, boldness, epileptic fits, acne, bashfulness and nocturnal erections. Children exhibiting such behavior were prescribed with his well-designed treatments: circumcision without anesthetic for boys and carbolic acid for girls.
Tea Party starlet and Delaware Senate hopeful Christine O’Donnell is even more misguided than Kellogg. While her activist credentials have earned her the support of Republican voters, O’Donnell is known for shooting herself in the foot. As a result of her eccentric history as both a witch and an anti-masturbation advocate, O’Donnell is almost certain to lose a race that was once a Republican lock.
Christine O’Donnell takes after Kellogg as a modern-day chastity warrior. While not a business guru or licensed physician, Christine O’Donnell has publicly shared her masturbatory expertise. In 1996, she noted on MTV, “The Bible says that lust in your heart is committing adultery. So you can’t masturbate without lust.”
While O’Donnell’s puritanical politics may seem antiquated to a modern audience, she has found a home within the recent crop of outspoken Senate candidates. In a number of states, moderate Republicans have been edged out in favor of Tea Party activists, like Sharron Angle in Nevada and Rand Paul in Kentucky. Their gaffes and oddities have transformed certain Republican wins into competitive races, but Paul is still favored in Kentucky and Angle is even odds in Nevada.
Christine O’Donnell, however, is a nightmare for the GOP. Although she ousted popular Representative Mike Castle for the Republican nomination in Delaware, O’Donnell is unpalatable to the broader electorate. By turning a certain win for the GOP into a seeming loss, her unlikely nomination has substantially diminished Republican chances at control of the Senate. Now, Senate control may rest with the race between Mark Kirk and Alexi Giannoulias for President Obama’s former seat in Illinois.
O’Donnell’s candidacy is a lost cause because, despite her yearning for a sex-free America, she has had some youthful indiscretions of her own. Straddling the line of public decency, O’Donnell admitted on Bill Maher’s Politically Incorrect on October 29, 1999 that, “[she] dabbled into witchcraft.” As proof, O’Donnell shared an intimate moment: “One of my first dates with a witch was on a satanic altar, and I didn’t know it. I mean, there was a little blood there and stuff like that.”
Like many Tea Party candidates, after sowing the seeds of her political career for quite some time, O’Donnell is finally reaping the succulent fruits of her labor. She has developed from a plucky teenage witch into a full-fledged Mama Grizzly. Despite a sound beating at the hands of Joe Biden in 2008, O’Donnell decided for another go at Biden’s former senate seat in 2010. Winning the Republican primary three weeks ago, O’Donnell started behind Representative Mike Castle, but finished narrowly in front of him.
Before its climactic end, the race between Representative Castle and Christine O’Donnell was violent, yet sensuous. Caught in a passionate tug-of-war, O’Donnell told conservative radio host Mark Levin, “you know, I released a statement today, saying Mike this is not a bake-off, get your man-pants on.” Castle responded to this delightful taunt by calling O’Donnell financially reckless. The man-pants were coming on.
But it was too late for Representative Castle; his 50-year political career would soon come to a premature end. It was O’Donnell who proved her virility. In the process, she has single-handedly dwindled Republican hopes of taking the Senate. To once more quote her 1996 MTV appearance, “The reason that you don’t tell [people] that masturbation is the answer to AIDS and all these other problems that come with sex outside of marriage is because again it is not addressing the issue. You’re just gonna create somebody who is, I was gonna say, toying with his sexuality. Pardon the pun.” Although the GOP has excused O’Donnell for her spotty history, Delaware voters may not be as forgiving.