About a month ago, I sent a panicked email to my parents about being stressed out and miserable, and asked if they’d be able to visit me. Luckily, they were able to plan a trip and came to talk with me last weekend.
I could tell the whole long story of their interest, but it’s not interesting. I showed them around some touristy sites, went to eat some nice expensive dinners that totally destroyed my diet, and talked a lot about whether or not I should stay the entire year.
Reasons why I should stay the entire year: Two months in is prime culture-shock time, and supposedly it’ll get better. After more time, I’ll learn to love the country and make great friends. More time would allow me to really learn about and explore this region (though I already feel like I’ve learned so much) and learn Catalan better. More time here would be an impressive feat that I could be proud of myself for. Staying here for a year would be the complete assimilation experience that I’ve always wanted.
Here’s the problem: I don’t want that anymore. I don’t want to learn to love the country. I don’t want to make awesome local friends and then leave them in June. To really assimilate, I feel like I’d have to give up a part of who I am, and I don’t want to. I don’t want to learn Catalan better, and I’m quite happy with my current level of Spanish. Although I see very clearly the benefits of staying here longer, I no longer place any importance on the value that I could potentially gain.
The other problem is that I feel completely alone in how much I’ve struggled with the study abroad experience. Everyone gets homesick, culture shock sucks for everyone, but no one seems to have it as bad as I do; this all-consuming sense of not-belonging, of time moving sluggishly inch by inch, day by day until I can finally escape. I’ve talked with other people and while homesickness is rampant, it’s always phrased as such: “I miss home, but I totally love [insert city here].”
Well, I don’t totally love Barcelona. In fact, I rather dislike it. I don’t know why, or what makes Chicago better than here, because it’s nothing big and it’s nothing specific. My classes are no more stressful than Northwestern, my friends on the program are beyond wonderful and supportive, the locals that I’ve met are friendly, interesting, welcoming and fun to talk to. The city is even everything that I’ve ever wanted in a city: great public transportation system, but also very walkable; multilingual, cosmopolitan, international; intelligent with great research-oriented universities; great weather; fun nightlife; beautiful beaches. There’s no logical reason for me to feel such antipathy toward being here, but I do.
I explained that to my parents, and they agreed with me that it’d be better for me to come back to Northwestern in January.
I want to emphasize that this post should in no way discourage you from studying abroad, or even from studying abroad for the whole year. There are many, many great things about being here: the people, the food, the experiences, the ability to travel. All are wonderful, but not enough to keep me here for six more months.
Part of me feels like a failure, like I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was, like I should be listening to reason and not emotions. But mostly, every fiber of my being just can’t wait to go back home.
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