This past weekend, I came across a rather startling figure. According to another extremely useful (read: fake) poll by our lovely Associated Student Government, or ASG, sixty-one percent of all students on this campus have partied naked. On a campus otherwise known as “Nerdwestern,” I found this figure to be unexplainably low. Birthday suits — especially after a night of drinking — should be a fairly common sight on a campus that is often too socially awkward to engage in any sort of interesting conversation.
Don’t follow? Let me try and explain. Whenever I, for example, find myself at a party and engaged in a conversation with a girl that is going sour, I simply take off all my clothes. Typically, the girl runs off in fright and my awkward situation is solved. On top of that, I’m naked and that’s always a bundle of fun.
However, I realize readers should never believe a single thing a professional journalist like myself says. So, I decided to take to the streets in search of students who could show the other thirty-nine percent of Northwestern that naked partying can be an immensely exciting adventure.
One day at the Rock, I was fortunate enough to meet a student who prefers to be called “Tim” in this article so you won’t know his real name is Jake Marvin (20, McCormick ’10, lives in Delta Upsilon, made-up). One night after partying, Tim woke up to find himself completely naked in a Ridge and Davis apartment. For you North Campus readers, Ridge and Davis is a party-rific South Campus block of apartments for those wishing to get mugged and/or stabbed immediately after they leave a party. Luckily for Tim, he was being safely cuddled by a naked girl whose name he never quite got.
Naked and confused to how he ended up at such a place, Tim chose to do the polite thing any male in a similar situation would do: run. Not wanting to awaken Miss Cuddly Nude Girl, Tim delicately removed himself from the bed to search for his clothes only to find that his clothes had been completely torn to shreds by Ridge and Davis’ notorious rats. If you haven’t seen these animals, they are roughly the size of a full grown German Shepherd and capable of devouring feral cats and underdeveloped children. They aren’t things to fool around with.
Nevertheless, Tim was determined to get back to his comfy room on North Campus. Unfortunately, a winter snow blizzard had just hit Northwestern’s campus and streaking back home was definitely out of the question. But being the MacGyver that all engineering students are, Tim went into Miss Cuddly Nude Girl’s closet and picked out some threads. After rummaging around for some cute BCBG Max Azria tops, darling Bebe bottoms and adorable earrings from Claire’s, Tim was ready for his long walk of shame back north.
Due to the early hour of the morning — 1 p.m. — on this chilly Saturday, most Northwestern students were thankfully still sleeping. But when Tim arrived back at his fraternity, he found himself greeted by numerous alumni who had driven in to oversee the initiation of the fraternity’s newest pledge class. Thinking Tim was a woman trying to gain access to the top secret initiation ceremony, the alumni proceeded to beat his ass.
Thirty-two stitches and a collapsed lung later, Tim still finds that he has some trouble breathing. But fortunately, each paralyzingly painful breath acts as a constant reminder of the night that will define Tim’s Northwestern experience: the time he woke up naked. So Northwestern, if you, like Tim, want to leave here with memories that last a lifetime and parties that are endlessly fun, start getting naked tonight. Tim and I both highly recommend it.
Oh, and in keeping with the example set by Medill Dean John Lavine, all the records of my interview with Tim have been completely lost. Please, don’t ask me about them.