Movies can be a great place for romance, but they can just as easily provide us with horrific examples of relationships gone wrong. If you’re lonely or dreading spending this Valentine’s Day with your significant other, just be thankful you aren’t mislaying the track in one of these train wrecks given to us by the silver screen.
1. Edward Scissorhands – Edward (Johnny Depp) & Kim (Winona Ryder)
No girl would ever want her man to have the ability to shear her in half accidentally with his ginsu-knife laden hands, no matter how good he is at styling hair. Anthony Michael Hall suffers at the hands of Depp in the film, and his hands might end up making things painful for Winona Ryder.
2. Fatal Attraction – Dan Gallagher (Michael Douglas) & Alex Forrest (Glenn Close)
Cheating on your wife with a colleague is bad. When that colleague decides she wants you to herself and turns violent, it’s worse. But Glenn Close is NUTS! She BOILS a rabbit! If your relationship resembles this one in any way, run for the hills.
3. Chasing Amy – Holden (Ben Affleck), Banky (Jason Lee), & Alyssa (Joey Lauren Adams)
She’s lesbian, then she’s not, then she is again! Jason Lee has a crush on Ben Affleck, but talks a big game with the ladies! Who is gay? Who loves whom? Who knows?
4. Gone With the Wind – Rhett Butler (Clark Gable) & Scarlett O’Hara (Vivien Leigh)
Has anyone noticed Rhett and Scarlett hate each other for almost the entire film, even when they are married? Rhett jokes about a miscarriage; Scarlett is in love with another man and then changes her mind. They are indecisive, vindictive and unkind, which still doesn’t overcome the on-screen chemistry of Gable and Leigh.
5. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind – Anyone (Joel (Jim Carrey), Clementine (Kate Winslet), Stan (Mark Ruffalo), Patrick (Elijah Wood), Dr. Mierzwiak (Tom Wilkinson), Mary (Kirsten Dunst))
There’s not a single healthy relationship in this film. It’s a work of pure romantic genius, but there’s no way you’d want to take part in any of these romances. Joel and Clementine erase each other from their memories. Patrick manipulates Clementine when her memory is erased. Mary’s love for Dr. Mierzwiak has been erased, but she chooses him again over Stan. It’s basically a guidebook for how not to act in a relationship.
6. Audition – Aoyama (Ryo Ishibashi) & Asami (Eihi Shiina)
He tries to get a girl by holding a fake casting call for a movie. She turns out to be a psychopathic torture queen with a dismembered (yet still living) man trapped in a burlap sack in her apartment. If that’s not bad enough, the film happens to be a light romantic comedy for the first 45 minutes, then– in a single shot– turns into the only movie that has ever scared Rob Zombie.
7. Fight Club – Tyler Durden/The Narrator (Brad Pitt/Edward Norton) & Marla Singer (Helena Bonham Carter)
Both parties in this relationship are so depressed that they attend support groups (yes, groups) for diseases they don’t suffer from. On top of that, Edward Norton is bipolar to the extent that he has no recollection of his relationship with Helena Bonham Carter. He doesn’t love her, his imaginary other self does; he doesn’t have sex with her, his imaginary self does while he agonizes over the sound in another room. Even if Brad Pitt wasn’t a figment of Norton’s imagination, Tyler and Marla would still have a number of issues to work out.
Cinema has given us plenty of relationships bad enough to cheer any Valentine’s Day Scrooge. If you’re feeling down about February 14th, rent one of these and count your blessings.